Posts tagged “relationships

Dispatches from an IMVU Scientist: Making RL better!

prof-kaitWe often worry about not letting imvu interfere with rl but a good friend of mine thought imvu helped her do better with her rl relationships by making her more open and communicative. How true! Here are some ways recently that I thought about on a recent trip to the Carribean:

1) Communication is key – to everything… Too often we hide what we really mean, sometimes to protect the other person’s feelings. But at least in my book, more communication is always better.

island2) Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want…. I have this problem that I don’t like asking for things. I don’t want to impose. I think of that Mel Gibson movie, What Women Want, where it takes a man getting magical powers (from a toaster of all places) to read women’s thoughts, to make them happy because girls often don’t say. So like #1, communicate. (I’m embarrassed to admit what I learned to ask for that made me think of this. But feel free to ask. It was totally only something that I got used to asking for on imvu before I was able to ask for it in rl.)

3) Be sexually adventurous. Imvu gives you so many ways to push boundaries. Explore in a safe environment. Last month, in our little island trip, we had a little bungalow, with a private pool on the deck (basically a glorified bath tub but still), it was hidden by trees but still public and I did things I would never have imagined myself doing just a couple years ago.

sz-swt4) Be aware of other’s feelings, validate them before stating your own– I mean, this is not just an imvu thing. A friend of mine who has been separated from her husband for like 4 years but still trying to make things work, said that was the biggest thing she learned from counseling. That in a fight, before you make your own point, its important to validate the feelings of the other person. That was the best piece of advice I got from my brother’s ex-‘s mother who was a life coach years ago, but imvu has given me lots of practice. In a fight, we worry so much about our own point of view, because we just want to be heard. So one good way to calm the tension is to make sure the other person knows they are heard. Tell them you get it. That’s usually all any of us want.


It takes some ups and downs

imvu happy snugglesI dislike imvu drama like most people. But when you have relationships with real people it doesn’t feel real unless you share some of the ups and downs too. You don’t have much drama when you just wander through rooms and just meet new people randomly all the time. The more you open yourself up and connect with people the more at risk for drama you become.

Life is a struggle, we all have ups and downs in real life. Unfortunately the only way to avoid the downs is simply not to go up. I know that sounds a little silly and may be overly simplifying it, but it’s the truth. Falling in love requires opening yourself up and tearing down walls which also makes you vulnerable.

Enjoy the ups, there are actually more positive things about imvu drama than negative things though the bad things can be extremely intense. Sometimes we have to step back and get some space. Take a longer-term view and don’t react or beat yourself up too badly or let anyone else.

imvu explosionsIf this feels like a roller coaster too much get off and take a break, or just go back to the bunny slope. The bunny slope is just the things you used to do earlier when you first got here. Maybe it’s shopping, or maybe it’s making some new unrelated friends or just hanging out with people who are safe and you don’t have any issues with.

I know it’s hard to stay on track when everything is falling down around you and even the smallest thing can really mess you up. Just try to remember that it’s only temporary and don’t overreact and it will get better.


Jealousy Strategy

sunset campfire kissesOne of the worst things in here is jealousy. It will eat you and your relationships up. So what do you do when you feel that? One thing I learned from Susan is to use that. If you feel jealous of someone, get to know them.

It’s harder to be jealous and upset about someone that you know and is your friend. You may find that instead of being hurt you wind up making a great friend. If your partner likes them there’s a good chance you will too. I love you Talor

It’s also important to be friends and close to the people that are important to your partner. It adds strength and stability to your relationship. And your relationship is the most important thing you have here. So treat it like that.

The exception to this is if the other person requires exclusivity and is therefore pulling him or her away from you. If someone does this they are only going to hurt somebody probably very badly, whether it’s themselves, or you or the person in between, or probably all of the above. And not wanting your partner to go with someone that requires exclusivity, isn’t jealousy actually, it’s really just not wanting to lose them.


IMVU Conditioning

passion in imvuGood passion in here teaches you to lower your walls and conditions you to feel the good feelings you’ve had with someone as soon as you see them or start to get close.

This is one reason why I really like to see friends that I know already more than just random people which I don’t do as much anymore. It’s not that I don’t like meeting new people, I do. But it’s easier to connect and feel something more with someone you have been close to before then it is to start from scratch.

Conditioning could also be another explanation why each relationship tends to be even more exciting and fun than previous relationships, at least in general. I definitely think that’s why its also so easy to have a great time with someone you care about and why there’s a momentum to a relationship. Some people just seem to reach right into me and grab me by the heart, and I love that. my true imvu love

We get more and more conditioned to open our hearts and learn to let go more and more easily, the more good relationships you have and the more passionate things you share. On the other hand, if you have bad experiences, you tend to get more and more conditioned to have bad experiences. So it spirals and builds on itself. But it can work both ways. So don’t get jaded, find your own passion rut.


Virtual Family vs Real Life Family

Lyn Family means a lotI was thinking a lot about family here and in real life while I was away recently. We don’t have a choice who our real life family is. Your real-life family is important because you only get one and you know you can count on your family. There’s something very lasting and important about that.

Your virtual family kind of feels similar in terms of importance in its own way, but is much more of a choice. It’s literally family by choice. You become a family when your friendship grows to that point that there’s no other way to describe it. I tend to be able to share more heartfelt emotional things with my virtual family.

Imvu family in clubReal family is important for your real life and your virtual family is just as important to your virtual life. They are both special. Real life family is special because its permanent. Virtual family is special because its by choice.

I tend to be able to share a lot with family in here but I also try to be more careful in some ways with them too. There are reasons why we don’t mess around in your real family just like there are in here. I Love my virtual family in a very pure kind of way.


Why does it get better and better?

imvu loveOne of my best friends, says this all the time. It’s going to get better and better from here. And I didn’t believe her at first because it was already amazing, but honestly it really does seem to keep getting better and better. I was trying to think about that and understand why that is.

Most of us go through the Random sex stage. But as fun as that seems at the time we tend to go back to the one that seemed really good. Then we realize that as exciting as the new person and spontaneous situation can feel, sharing the passion with someone you really care about is much more intense.

So it’s easy to understand that it gets better as you move from the random stage as youo move into a relationship. But why does it seem to get better and better even in the relationship stage?

There's more than one kind of closeness in imvu

You can’t see it there but we’re holding hands!

I think the answer is that the more you share, the more connected you are, the more powerful it gets, and therefore the more you share and then connected you become. And so forth and so on. This spiraling, as you get to know someone, opening up and learning the turn ons if your partner, is awesome. Sure we tend to get blind, and we do fill in the blanks of the other person with what we want to see. But this is one of the most amazing things you will experience in here and it’s so addictive.

more rowingHow could you not want to come here and have that kind of love and experience? And along the way, I think we also tend to get trained, to see someone and connect the feelings you’ve had with them before. I see my lover and suddenly all the passion we’ve shared wants to come flooding back in. I feel like pavlov’s dog, seeing my love and bells start ringing in my head! Except it’s not my mouth that starts watering. giggle giggle…


Touch her Heart

touching hearts in imvu relationshipsYou might not be able to touch her hand but you can touch her heart in here. It takes more effort and love (aka. more heart) to really touch someone but it can be amazingly powerful. You don’t touch her heart with sex alone you touch it with Intimacy, Passion, and extra effort.

Send her a poem or note afterwards. Share emotions and something about your day. Sing along with a song. Pray together. Anything that allows you to share more emotions and things beyond just the passion will help you build more of a connection.

Look for ways to show you care and you’ll not only make the passion more powerful, but you’ll build a longer lasting relationship and each time you’re together will build on your previous time. It gets easier to love AND more powerful at the same time.


IMVU Completes Me

imvu butterfly

Katy said it, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized how true it was. “Imvu completes me.” It’s amazingly flexible and can be anything you want, whatever you need in your life. It’s the chance to do what you have had a chance to do when you were young. It can be supportive. It can be your social life. It could just be an outlietIt’s the place to experiment and try things you’d never be able to do in real life. You’ll make friends, go to all kinds of places, and do anything and everything you can imagine.

Another special friend put it another way. She said, “It’s funny how this place makes you think about things or realize you have been missing things that you didn’t even know existed in that part of you.” It can complete your life even if you didn’t know you were missing anything!

We all come from different places and points in our lives. We may or may not even know what we’re looking for and it’s different for everyone. But if you stay here long enough, and really open up, you might just find what you didn’t even know you were looking for. I came here because I wanted to feel sexy, but one of the things I didn’t really realize I was also looking for was a sense of belonging. I have a lot of sexy fun but it’s the friendships that matter the most.

Try new things, build relationships and have fun with it. Hopefully you’ll find what you’re looking for too.


We come for the sex but stay for the people.

the prettiest most amazing girls in imvu
OK, maybe we ALL don’t come for the sex but most people probably do to varying degrees. I don’t mean to over generalize or say that’s why everyone comes here. Some people don’t go beyond that too.  But the real value here is the people, the relationships, the Love. This probably seems obvious to a lot of us in here, but almost nobody outside of IMVU sees how much is really going on in here.

I think maybe I was ultimately what I was looking for this deeper side, but just didn’t realize it.  I thought I came here because I wanted to feel sexy again. Maybe it’s because I could understand how this could make you feel sexy, but who would ever believe you could feel this truly loved and get such a feeling of friendship and belonging from a computer.

The truth is though that you can and if you stay here long enough, and really get into this you probably will too. It’s obviously hard to predict even what you’ll be doing here from one hour to the next but as you learn to open up, you will have the most amazing journey. You’ll have ups and downs at times, but opening up and loving is the most rewarding thing I’ve felt. In some ways I think that’s almost what what real life is about too. It’s just that there are so many more little issues in real life, it’s harder to see sometimes. Whatever it is, I wouldn’t trade it for anything!


Are we all crazy sex addicts?

Friends like Stephanie are what IMVU is really all aboutThis is a fictional place where people come for fun and to be anything they want. Suddenly being free of consequences or morality and making everyone look like porn stars does tend to make it feel like we’re in a pheromone factory. But that doesn’t mean you have to be bad.

I admit I’m at least as bad as most people. I kind of look at this as my midlife crisis. I’ve learned to let go and enjoy things here, which honestly wasn’t easy. But the point is that IMVU want an be anything you want it to be and doesn’t have to be about sex. Most people kind of like the sexy side to some degree so a lot of IMVU is aimed in that direction. what is imvu really aboutBut that doesn’t mean IMVU itself is about sex.

One of my very best friends ever in here is the perfect example. She’s engaged in real life to a prince charming and in here to the absolute sweetest girl ever. She makes this the most uplifting friend filled place ever. I love her fiancé and I love the way she lights up the room! I may be bad at times but IMVU is about relationships and friends like Stephanie. So the answer is no, we’re not all crazy sex addicts and even if we are, we’re not all the time.


You had me at Hello!

imvu dancingWhy does just the thought of someone I really love just make me tingle and feel like a little girl? I’m not a psychologist and there’s probably an easy answer for this one but it’s almost scary how someone I love and lust over can make me feel like I’m in heat as soon as they invite me or say they want me. I came here because I wanted to feel sexy but once someone you know makes that connection it’s like my body knows that they’re here for me. My dog gets that way when he smells ribs cooking in the oven because he knows he’s going to be getting the bones. I feel the same way like I know I’m going to get a bone! ~Giggles~

This is a great argument for staying with people you already know, as opposed to random hookups. The power and intensity of feeling real love, and a real bond with someone can be absolutely amazing. all the love we've had seems to return when I see some peopleIt’s like all the love and passion we’ve shared seems to flow right back, when I see some people.

It’s not that I never do random. I know some people don’t, but I kind of like the excitement of something new and different. Even though I have to admit that half the time all randoms do is end up making me appreciate the really great people and friends I’m already close to. Sure it’s exciting not knowing how a relationship will go and having new friends you’re still getting to know, still unfolding and getting close to. But nothing can compare to the special full heart connection when you’ve truly let down your walls and feel your lover in your heart. Yes this is written for people who’re still in the random sex stage.


Is IMVU an Individual or Team Sport

I have the most amazing team both in my bleue doll family and my Lyn loves

I have the most amazing team both in my bleue doll family and my Lyn loves
Imvu is more than a game. It’s a very personal thing. Its a lot of fun on your own but if you really connect with someone or even a group of people you will find out one of the secrets of imvu. It’s a lot more fun as a team sport.

If you’re lucky and open your heart you may end up with a very powerful connection to the point of being able to truly put their needs ahead of your own. This is when it changes from something fun into something much more powerful. This isn’t a sign of weakness as it might seem at first but it’s actually a sign of strength.

When you have someone willing to put your needs ahead of theirs and you put their needs ahead of your own you wind up with a super powerful and rewarding combination. Most people have fun here and do it basically as an individual thing. But the real magic of imvu is the relationships and that feeling of heart felt connectedness.

A lot of people in here don’t realize how great and really intimate it can be just hanging out and laughing and sharing so many things with people you are that connected with. If you think about it we really don’t need much in here and the goal is basically to build and enjoy great relationships. And while you have to be careful who you partner with that’s kind of the goal in here, in many ways.