I recently sat down with a friend and talked about dealing with the down times in imvu and realized something about my experience in here that I hadn’t quite thought about like this before. The very worst times I’ve had in here, when I’ve been down and at my very lowest in here were actually important changing points in my life in here.
At one point I had to essentially walk away from the whole group I was with. That was right about the time I started the website. The person I had the problem with was going to make me a website and I had to figure out how to do it myself. That’s why I ended up hanging out with Gabby and that’s how the Night Shift started. When one door closes in IMVU another one opens
Then when my ex Holly left I was kind of floundering and decided to try to get to know Katy (& Susan) which led to the Lyn family. I hadn’t really thought about it before, but the two worst downtimes in here actually led to the two most important connections of my IMVU life.
We all get down at times but realize that just like in life sometimes it takes a push to get out of our comfort zone and start something new. If you’re down, maybe you’re at that turning point that starts something even more exciting and fun then you can imagine right now.
I kind of picture my time here like a garden and I feel like I only have so much space (time) available to garden in. It hurts to pull something out because it was good at times and we all kind of resist change but what grows back and winds up filling up that new free space might be even better then you were expecting. I also find that things tend to get better and better, from relationship to relationship. I know it’s hard to look at it like this when you’re feeling that pain, but it’s part of growth and life.
I dislike imvu drama like most people. But when you have relationships with real people it doesn’t feel real unless you share some of the ups and downs too. You don’t have much drama when you just wander through rooms and just meet new people randomly all the time. The more you open yourself up and connect with people the more at risk for drama you become.
Life is a struggle, we all have ups and downs in real life. Unfortunately the only way to avoid the downs is simply not to go up. I know that sounds a little silly and may be overly simplifying it, but it’s the truth. Falling in love requires opening yourself up and tearing down walls which also makes you vulnerable.
Enjoy the ups, there are actually more positive things about imvu drama than negative things though the bad things can be extremely intense. Sometimes we have to step back and get some space. Take a longer-term view and don’t react or beat yourself up too badly or let anyone else.
If this feels like a roller coaster too much get off and take a break, or just go back to the bunny slope. The bunny slope is just the things you used to do earlier when you first got here. Maybe it’s shopping, or maybe it’s making some new unrelated friends or just hanging out with people who are safe and you don’t have any issues with.
I know it’s hard to stay on track when everything is falling down around you and even the smallest thing can really mess you up. Just try to remember that it’s only temporary and don’t overreact and it will get better.
That’s a line from the movie, La Femme Nikita, but it’s also important to remember in here too. Sometimes no matter how close you are, no matter how in love you are in here, little things can come up. And it’s amazing how such a tiny little thing can change or affect your mindset. Maybe it’s because this is so much more emotional and in your head, that even a small attitude change can sometimes change your feelings and affect your relationships in here more than you realize.
I know little things start big fights even in real life, I understand that. But I kind of think that little things can somehow cause more damage in a virtual relationship then real life. Maybe it’s because a real-life relationship has more momentum, more baggage, more dependency and routine to it, and that makes it more consistent, even if it’s not as much fun sometimes.
So what do you do or how do you handle these little bumps that come along and keep them from getting you off track? The answer is Communication, Openness, and Love! (though not necessarily in that order) I don’t just mean that in general, they are really the answer, along with just taking a deep breath sometimes.
The point is though that you have to be more careful in here, because these little things can disrupt and hurt even the best relationship more in here then they do even in real life. And ironically, sometimes the strength of the relationship is what makes you susceptible to disruption if it comes from the person you have your walls down to.
Also realize that, sometimes the little ripples give you a great chance to prove yourself, and strengthen your relationship too! A relationship is in many ways the sum of all the emotions you shared, and sometimes sharing this type of emotion and being there for each other definitely does make you stronger.
So remember, love them totally. Communicate and be honest about how you feel, listen a lot and focus on their intentions. Focus more on the bigger picture and love even more! We all make mistakes or just say or do the wrong thing sometimes. Sometimes things just come out wrong. These things are going to happen. But when you both want the same thing, being open sharing and loving your way through things is what makes this so real, so intense, and so special!
The grass always looks greener. And sometimes the emotions get too intense and we all feel like leaving at some point. I recently did that and took some time off when Taylor and I broke up. I have a lot of great friends that mean well but it was very hard having to explain it over and over again and have everybody try to fix it and give me advice without knowing the situation. I suspended my account so I wasn’t tempted to go back in and keep answering too many messages.
You think you’re going to be less depressed and less upset if you leave. It is a little bit less intense but unfortunately you tend to think about it for a while and it’s not as much better as you hope it will be at first. But the good part is that with some time things do start to feel better after you have stepped back.
You think you are going to get so much more done if you aren’t in here. At least I sure did. Unfortunately the depression and feelings still linger for a while. Maybe if you have something big to throw yourself at you’ll probably get through it quicker. I really didn’t get quite as much more done as I had assumed that I would. I did play more Candy Crush though.
Music is one of the harder things and tends to remind me of people and places in here. I went and played a little bit in second life just to see what it was like. When you get used to one system though, anything else seems a little bit harder and more confusing, but if I stay with it I’m sure I’ll get the hang of it better.
To me the trick seems to be to stay distracted. When we went away on vacation just for a long weekend down in Wildwood, it was easier to forget things and not feel like I was missing everything. I only lasted a little under a week, but I do feel better and was happy to come back.
Stop trying to hard.
Go to the gym.
Spend more time with real life family.
Go outside more, go to a park or some place beautiful if you can If you need to talk, talk to just one person in here who won’t talk to everyone else. Cut back a little on how many people you talk to in here, especially people who are closer to the other person.
Listen more talk less.
Put on your game face because success is the best revenge and smiling and waving will often hurt them more inside than fighting back Hug a lot!
Go out and meet new people who don’t know any of the issues.
Reconnect with or send a loving message to an old friend not involved in any of it.
Apologize, and mean it
Don’t Respond to hostile messages.
Slow everything down.
Don’t blame anyone to much.
Don’t wine and complain to much.
Don’t dwell on it.
Don’t do anything hurtful to yourself or anyone else Know when talking about it become unproductive and stop.
Don’t report them for anything.
Don’t try to win points or an argument.
Don’t keep rubbing their nose in a mistake.
Also read The White Rose
Issues come up. We are all human. We make mistakes and can even hurt or get hurt by someone we love. It could just be real life things getting on the way. We have two directions we can go when things happen. We can react and be upset and pull back or complain about it. Or we can CHOSE to respond in love and use it as an opportunity to prove your love and try to make them feel even closer.
Now of course this is easier to say than to do. But that’s kind of the definition of character and the right thing. It’s always easier to say than to do. This is where a best friend is important because you may have to vent a little and talk to someone you can trust.
I’ve also learned something else recently, your first reaction when you are dealing with drama is almost never the right answer. It’s important not to react to fast, to give yourself time to cool down and think about things sometimes.
Remember that in here your heart shows a lot more than in real life. And the more you want to react and pull back, the more valuable it is to respond with love. You will always gain more by responding in love.
Looking at problems as opportunities is NOT easy. But it’s easier than the alternative.
I don’t talk about religion in here because imvu isn’t about religion. It’s extremely diverse but if you don’t mind I’d like to paraphrase a famous verse of the bible that applies here. It’s 1st Corinthians chapter 13 verses 1 to 3, basically says no matter how beautifully I speak, no matter how amazing my actions are, no matter how generous I am, I am nothing without LOVE.
A lot of the principles that are true in life are even more true in here and easier to see without all the little distractions. This one especially. One of the most impressive people I’ve ever met in here and closest friends was making this point last night. And at the time I kind of felt it ultimately took more than ‘just’ love. That’s why when I thought of the bible verse it seemed to fit better.
When you have issues it takes some effort, it takes some communication, it takes some time, some patience, and some faith. But the main ingredient that has to be in everything is LOVE. Without Love your effort is wasted, communication is just noise and time blown.
So yes love is the answer to everything. But more so, its the magic ingredient! It’s the catalyst that makes everything work. For example I give a lot if gifts but its not just gifts that count its the thought, the love that it shows. When imvu gives something it doesn’t come with love. It’s just a gift. I can’t even tell you how many rooms and sets of furniture I’ve never even seen. That’s also why giving someone something not on their gift list sometimes shows more caring and love!
Yes, I’ve said this in a lot of different ways in posts in here. Whether its The greatest thing in IMVU is LOVE, love the person behind the keyboard, Hold them with love, Real IMVVU Love, 57 ways to show Love, and so many more posts about love. That’s because Love is the secret ingredient not just in Imvu, but in life. Not just according to me but according to the bible.
One last note: Taylor without my LOVE, I am nothing…
One of the worst things in here is jealousy. It will eat you and your relationships up. So what do you do when you feel that? One thing I learned from Susan is to use that. If you feel jealous of someone, get to know them.
It’s harder to be jealous and upset about someone that you know and is your friend. You may find that instead of being hurt you wind up making a great friend. If your partner likes them there’s a good chance you will too.
It’s also important to be friends and close to the people that are important to your partner. It adds strength and stability to your relationship. And your relationship is the most important thing you have here. So treat it like that.
The exception to this is if the other person requires exclusivity and is therefore pulling him or her away from you. If someone does this they are only going to hurt somebody probably very badly, whether it’s themselves, or you or the person in between, or probably all of the above. And not wanting your partner to go with someone that requires exclusivity, isn’t jealousy actually, it’s really just not wanting to lose them.
Yes, You can be anything you want to in here. Not only can you be vicious and cruel but the anonymity allows you to be. But don’t. It’ll come back to you. Just because you can be bad doesn’t mean you should. Too many people use that as an excuse to be real jerks (to put it nicely).
Even of you think you’re getting away with it, just like on real life, what goes around comes around. A great friend calls it Karma. Do the right thing even if you think nobody can tell. That’s important in real life and even more important here. You’ll think you can get away with it here, but you’ll be surprised how even private things have a way of showing up. Don’t learn this the hard way.
You don’t have to be perfect or exciting to have good friends. Just be YOURSELF! But you do have to open up your heart. And even though people don’t see you physically you’ll be surprised how well people can see your heart. So always be a LYN. Love Your Neighbor in here and surround yourself with people that love you and this can be an awesome place.
We all make mistakes. We say things to protect someone or do something that winds up hurting. I’m more guilty of this than most maybe because I talk to much and don’t filter or think sometimes. I justify that by pointing out that its necessary to open up and share straight from your heart to be really close.
Unfortunately, no matter how careful we are, sometimes things happen. If its someone you don’t know, all you have to go on are the actions. But when you really know someone you have to look at more than just their actions. You have to take into account their intentions.
It’s difficult to say what’s most important or make a rule. It’s a case by case judgement. But the more you know someone the more you have to look at their intentions and if possibly the context. If it hurt but they didn’t intend to hurt you, you have to try and forgive them. That’s often easier to say than to do, I know. But the right thing to do is usually the hard thing.
Private Note: I wrote this during the day Friday and now it’s the hardest thing to post. I guess it’s hard because it’s right. And I feel like shit. I’m sorry for being a jerk. I know you and that matters more than anything else. Please believe me I intended to come in and say I’m behind you no matter what and this was just an excuse to show you that I’m on your side. Then I end up feeling excluded and taken for granted and dissed and I just over reacted. I’m very sorry! (If you don’t know what this means don’t worry about it!)
We all complain about drama.
While looking for this comic I saw recently to illustrate the point, I actually found an article that said everything I wanted to say:
Why is there so much drama in relationships?
1. To quell uncertainty
2. To seek reassurance
3. To enliven the relationship
4. To grab power
5. To exact payback
6. To breakup
7. Because some are really psycho
Answer: All of the above.
Honestly, I’d prefer to live a drama free life. I try. But a couple recent conversations stuck out. One was a slave trying to convince me to be his owner. He promised to be the perfect slave, obeying everything I say but creating just enough trouble to keep it fun. I got the same advice when I was seeking tips on being a better sub.
It is fun. It also does “quell uncertainty” provides “reassurance” and “enlivens” the relationship. My favorite book from high school was Brave New World, a scifi world where the government basically outlaws “drama” and sadness, basically using lots of sex and drugs. The point of the book is when the main character redisocvers Shakespeare and learns that without sadness, without drama, you can’t have beauty or love.
Anyway, drama sucks. It hurts. It’s stupid. We should all do our part to get rid of it. But its ok to like it, just a little.
We realize this in real life and we almost all take some form of vacation from time to time. We may not get to take them all over the world every month or two like the president, but its helpful to have some time away occasionally. Imvu is an escape but it can be emotionally very intense and sometimes we need an escape from this escape. So it’s very understandable to need a break sometimes.
The good news is that the love and good feelings tend to last and the anxiety fades quicker. It generally only takes a couple days. It can help you think more clearly to let some of the emotionality out and can help you appreciate things more.
So if someone you love us under a lot of pressure and says they need a break, don’t worry or freak out. Look at it as a good thing. It’s just a pause to catch their breath, to rebalance and sharpen their axe. This isn’t a race. Loving someone means putting their needs first and wanting what’s best for them. So take a deep breath and love them with all your heart when they come back.
The people you love the most can also hurt you the most. Loving means opening up and letting someone in to your heart. That feeling that you can’t get close enough is great but it also means that person has the ability to hurt even the strongest person very deeply too. It’s amazing how big and damaging even something small can turn into, and months and months of love and being there for someone goes out the window.
I was going to write about what to do when you get hurt, but honestly I guess I’m not very good at that. I’m trying to focus on my family and work and I shut off email forwarding of messages so I can just hide. There’s nothing urgent in there that can’t wait until I feel better in here. I have to cut back my time in IMVU anyway so I’ll just use this as a vacation from non-reality. Don’t write me or worry.
I learned something recently that I really need to remember and use myself. So this one is as much to reinforce and remind myself of this as anything. When a friend was upset at someone that she thought had wronged her she joked about wanting to give the other person a piece of coal. But instead she sent a white rose.
I don’t know what she wrote, but it was something about purity of heart and it didn’t totally end the issue but it didn’t make it worse. And it did raise her up a lot in my eyes. It might feel good to zing someone back but the more you want to retaliate the more important it is to respond in love.
So the next time I get angry I’m going to follow her example and send a white rose. Hopefully even if you read this and know what it means, you’ll still appreciate it and know that I love you in spite of whatever issue we might have.
Yes, passion is great and I love that as much or more than anyone (hey no comments… giggles!) Maybe I’m weird though because I really do feel just as strong of a bond and as powerful and vivid emotions sometimes without it. Sometimes it’s good things like dancing and laughing with my closest friends or cuddling and confessing things between classes and work and kids.
Sometimes its sharing very painful things, being there for someone you really care about going through a really hard time in life. Maybe it’s a friend that was considering suicide, or painful real life breakup, or a parent passing away. Yes it’s been a tough week, a heart wrenching week in many ways. But I wouldn’t trade a minute of it.
Relationships are built on shared emotions and it may be painful to share some things, but that’s what IMVU is for, it’s for sharing. And that’s why it’s so good at building relationships. Sometimes it’s not easy and sometimes it’s the most beautiful amazing thing ever. It’s funny, in a way it does kind of point out why the bad times are actually a necessary part of life.
I can’t say how much I love being there for my amazing friends. I love sharing tears as much as screams. I guess life is kind of similar to the movie Monsters Inc. Tears are just as powerful as orgasms. Though imagining them trying to capture the power of an orgasm is kind of sexy (though I would have to use a password on this pose if I tried to show that!) Maybe that could be the sequel to Monsters Inc where they realize that orgasms are even more powerful than laughter, lol. RAWR!!!
I have a very thick skin and there aren’t that many things that really hurt me in here, but I guess one sore spot with me is being left out. It hurt me when I wasn’t able to join my friends in a room one time. And it hurt not being there for a friends wedding, which I know is ironic since when I married Holly I did it in private.
I usually write here about my mistakes. But I realized recently how cutting the people you love out of something important hurts them and your relationship. It feels like you’re not important to them or that they really don’t care, especially if it’s something planned ahead of time. Even when you talk and they feel bad and didn’t mean to exclude you it still hurts almost to the point of letting go of someone that was important.
We all get down sometimes. It’s part of being human. It also comes with Imvu to some degree because what goes up usually comes down and it does hurt. The person that seemed perfect one day may hurt or upset you another tome or just not have time for you any more.
It happens to everyone. You can’t control that but you can control how you respond. First of all don’t quit IMVU and don’t do anything out of anger. You may have to walk away from a friend or even a whole group of your friends. If you’re doing it to start fresh go ahead. But if you’re doing it out of anger to hurt them or get even don’t. Unfriending people often only makes things worse. Also remember that when one door closes two more usually open in IMVU.
Don’t dwell on or talk about it too much. It often only hurts you to keep talking about it too much. Don’t delete your rooms. Don’t try to get even. Don’t even stay on imvu too much.
Do try to meet new people. Do hang out with unrelated friends. Join a new Group. Get more sleep. Go to the gym. Spend more time with family or friends in real life. And most of all hug a lot and try not to beat yourself up.
How hard you make it on yourself is is up to you. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. But you can control to some degree how much you let it affect you. Change is constant in here and it can be lightening fast sometimes. Oh and no matter how bad anything seems its not worth carrying around with you. So don’t bottle it up and keep dwelling on it.
Imvu can be a little intense at times. A lot of the time that’s a good thing but it can also be a real problem too. It’s also easy to assume the worst or mid understand things. We all tend to react emotionally and the reaction is often worse than the initial issue.
You’ve heard the saying about assumptions but it’s very easy to do and in a world of pure emotion and faith that can be extremely damaging. Give the people you love here the benefit of the doubt and then some and use any issue as a chance to prove how much you love them. You’ll strengthen your relationships not weaken them.
There are easy ways in IMVU to avoid someone, essentially cutting them out of your things here. You can unfriend them, you can block them, and you can boot them from a room or ban them from your rooms. These are important tools for your protection, and there are certainly cases where this is the appropriate thing to do, especially with strangers. But if someone is or was a friend and especially when you have common friends you have to be very careful about doing this, because that doesn’t end it and usually winds up hurt and worse yet, your other friends much more than the original incident.
The worst drama situations I’ve had here all involved a friend cutting out via the steps above, another friend who they have strong common friendships with. Cutting out a stranger doesn’t hurt very much and reduces the drama and minimizes the confrontation, but cutting out a friend suddenly puts your common friends in the middle and creates way more drama than it reduces. I always say that I write this about my own mistakes so I’m going to give some real life examples, though this isn’t about them.
The two biggest drama situations I had here were when Jess got mad and cut Lexi out of our circle of friends because she was friends with Jess’ ex girlfriend. I said that was wrong and tried to show her and it wound up making me leave my best friend along with alot of the circle. The other situation was when Ash cut me out because I said my girlfriend at the time, Christi was leaving me for Ash. They just announced their engagement by the way. But in both cases the cutting out is what caused way more damage than the reason for the cut, way, way more. It wasn’t as big of a deal with Morgan because I only answered it with love, but it still puts every common friend you have with that person in the middle and makes them choose.
You’re going to see them at common places and talk to the same people. So as tempting as it is to just unfriend, block and ban them and think you’re done, that is ALWAYS the wrong way to deal with a friend. Talk to them and try to resolve the issue or you risk hurting yourself . Whether you’re right or not cutting out a friend without really trying to resolve things, creates drama for all your common friends. Even if you’re angry at that person you owe it to your common friends not to put them in the middle.
You don’t have to try to resolve it publicly or in front of your common friends. You just can’t end it by cutting them out or that will hurt the most valuable thing you have in here, your other friends. You’ll create unnecessary drama and tension with everyone, that will linger long after the incident is long forgotten. And you’ll ultimately hurt yourself most of all.
Out of all the things I’ve seen on imvu, the worst, most damaging thing in here is Jealousy. It will kill your friends and ruin your fun faster and more decisively than anything else you can do. It can creep in almost anywhere. I’ve lost friends and seen it sink whole groups in no time.
I remember in the HOLM collaring ceremony I caught a mention of jealousy not being allowed and I knew that they knew what they were doing. This place is built on sharing and trust. And if you can’t trust your partner, you’ll go crazy every time they’re on and not showing their location, or even worse when they are showing it and just one person is there.
I’ve seen people rant and make themselves and all their friends miserable for months being jealous over someone they only knew for a little while. I can’t say it strong enough, but it’s like acid that will eat up even the best people from the inside out, in no time. Love often and as much as you can but know that the only thing you have to hold anyone here where they can click away is your love. And ironically before jealous will only cause the thing you fear, to happen.
IMVU can be crazy, there’s no doubt about that. And as much as you might want real life, you have to be careful because if the craziness of this place spills over into your real life it can be very difficult to say the least. The emotions in here are so strong, love so free flowing, and the soap opera ness of it almost can’t be helped at times. The emotions are real but there’s a reason why real life is the way it is and why this place is the way it is too. Being the way you are in real life here isn’t easy and being the way you are here in real life will cause problems too.
Nobody looks down on anyone in here. In fact it’s quite the opposite. Your friends here are real people too and they love you and know you are a great cherished real person too. Don’t take the loving feeling we share here to be anything wrong or hurtful, it’s not at all. Remember that you can always take a break or leave and come back after a while. Hold on and put off any major decision until you’re not in the middle of the emotion but don’t be afraid to step back from the emotion.