I haven’t talked or even thought much about my first marriage, but 20 years ago I was married. It only lasted about 2 years or so and it turned into a nightmare of nonstop arguing. I’ve kind of blocked a lot of it out but the intensity of the emotion of a fight with someone I love that much brings that back and makes me have to run and retreat. And every time I do that I feel like I’m emotionally taking one step toward giving up on the whole thing.
In order to be truely close and love someone in here you have to tear down your walls. That’s an awesome feeling and time in a relationship as you circle and dance, each opening up together. I kind of think I’m good at opening up and tearing down my walls with people. But the more thoroughly I tear them down the more vulnerable I become too. It takes a while to truly trust people and feel like they are a part of your heart but it’s an awesome feeling.
99.999% of the time that’s great because they are awesome people and we really love and would do anything for each other. But every once in a great while something goes wrong and if I feel like someone in my heart is attacking me I can get very hurt very easily. It can just be a misunderstanding or saying the wrong thing at the wrong time and it’s amazing how fast all the good things suddenly go out the window. I can face down the biggest scariest demons, assassins or dragons in here but if someone in my heart hurts me, it brings me back to the verbal abuse from my first marriage and makes me want to run away both physically and emotionally as well. Trust me this isn’t easy to say or face but in hind site I’ve kind of done this in the major conflicts I’ve had in here.
The Argument Myth: It’s always better to stay and work things out when you have an argument.
I actually find the opposite is true. Any time I’ve ever felt the urge to run away when an argument is escalating I’ve always looked back and found that it got worse because I stayed when I wanted to leave. That doesn’t mean this is true for everyone, but I find it’s much easier to work out your differences when you’ve had a chance to let the emotion die down. There’s no reason it has to be addressed right then when people are upset about things. Sleep on it, catch your breath, and come back with love later. If you feel like it’s getting out of control call a truce and give it a rest. That’s the best way to stop things from spiraling out of control.
There are easy ways in IMVU to avoid someone, essentially cutting them out of your things here. You can unfriend them, you can block them, and you can boot them from a room or ban them from your rooms. These are important tools for your protection, and there are certainly cases where this is the appropriate thing to do, especially with strangers. But if someone is or was a friend and especially when you have common friends you have to be very careful about doing this, because that doesn’t end it and usually winds up hurt and worse yet, your other friends much more than the original incident.
The worst drama situations I’ve had here all involved a friend cutting out via the steps above, another friend who they have strong common friendships with. Cutting out a stranger doesn’t hurt very much and reduces the drama and minimizes the confrontation, but cutting out a friend suddenly puts your common friends in the middle and creates way more drama than it reduces. I always say that I write this about my own mistakes so I’m going to give some real life examples, though this isn’t about them.
The two biggest drama situations I had here were when Jess got mad and cut Lexi out of our circle of friends because she was friends with Jess’ ex girlfriend. I said that was wrong and tried to show her and it wound up making me leave my best friend along with alot of the circle. The other situation was when Ash cut me out because I said my girlfriend at the time, Christi was leaving me for Ash. They just announced their engagement by the way. But in both cases the cutting out is what caused way more damage than the reason for the cut, way, way more. It wasn’t as big of a deal with Morgan because I only answered it with love, but it still puts every common friend you have with that person in the middle and makes them choose.
You’re going to see them at common places and talk to the same people. So as tempting as it is to just unfriend, block and ban them and think you’re done, that is ALWAYS the wrong way to deal with a friend. Talk to them and try to resolve the issue or you risk hurting yourself . Whether you’re right or not cutting out a friend without really trying to resolve things, creates drama for all your common friends. Even if you’re angry at that person you owe it to your common friends not to put them in the middle.
You don’t have to try to resolve it publicly or in front of your common friends. You just can’t end it by cutting them out or that will hurt the most valuable thing you have in here, your other friends. You’ll create unnecessary drama and tension with everyone, that will linger long after the incident is long forgotten. And you’ll ultimately hurt yourself most of all.
It’s VERY painful when we lose great friends and close doors or have them closed on us. The highs are higher here than RL but the lows can be more sudden and deeper too. I think it’s because this place is built on pure communication and emotion. It’s very powerful but at times very painful too. But for the same reason it crashes so fast you can recover in here just as fast if you go out and try, or at least stay open to it.
I felt like I walked away from half my friends last week. It wasn’t actually that bad, just many of the friends connected to one friend and a room. I banned myself and had to let go of ALL the people connected there. I’ve seen some people do that and try to hold on, but I didn’t. I just let go and don’t watch the room or the people. I have seen people try to hang on and fight very hard to keep a relationship that’s already gone and it’s not pretty and it’s very hard on everyone. So I cried and said good bye and left.
A week later, I have a fun hangout place/pt job as a Hooters Girl at Hooter Lovers, I’m part of an amazing family, and I’m a personal slave for one of the best role players I’ve met in here. I always say it’s never boring in here, but it’s crazy how fast you can go from feeling alone, walking away from long time friends and conflicts, to feeling more connected and a part of things than I ever have in here. When one door closes another one does open. Sometimes three of them open even.
So the advice in this, what I learned, is that it’s painful to let go but sometimes that’s really the best thing. And if you do, just do it and move on and something new and better or at least less painful will come along.