In the USA some states are no fault states. That means they don’t determine fault in an auto accident. IMVU Is the same way. No matter what happens, if you have to leave quickly, or your partner crashes or says the wrong thing or is away for a while… Anything like that, you can’t blame anyone. It’s just part of the flexibility you have to have in here.
It’s nice to say you’re sorry if something happens, but if they don’t don’t place any fault. Everything is so voluntary here if you blame someone or hold somebody responsible and give them a hard time, it’ll only hurt you and your relationship with them.
So try to be very excepting, and nonjudgmental. That’s a good word for this place, non-judgmental. You can’t judge anybody about basically anything in here. For better or worse, It’s kind of the wild West in some ways, in that anything goes!
No matter what the issue is remember the one answer and response that you need to have, is to love the other person more than anyone else! If you always have that attitude it will always be fun and things will work out in the end.
This is a little different with the IMVU corporation though. While nothing is ever their fault, you will certainly be blamed for anything and everything, whether it’s your fault or not. You can follow their terms of service to the letter and still be attacked over and over again and don’t ever expect the IMVU customer service to do anything but attack and blame you!
You can prove that they are wrong and they will simply ignore it and continue to blame you until you give up and admit that YOU were wrong. I don’t want to vent too much about them in this post, because this isn’t a complaint but trust me on this. You will eventually hate the IMVU corporation.
I recently sat down with a friend and talked about dealing with the down times in imvu and realized something about my experience in here that I hadn’t quite thought about like this before. The very worst times I’ve had in here, when I’ve been down and at my very lowest in here were actually important changing points in my life in here.
At one point I had to essentially walk away from the whole group I was with. That was right about the time I started the website. The person I had the problem with was going to make me a website and I had to figure out how to do it myself. That’s why I ended up hanging out with Gabby and that’s how the Night Shift started. When one door closes in IMVU another one opens
Then when my ex Holly left I was kind of floundering and decided to try to get to know Katy (& Susan) which led to the Lyn family. I hadn’t really thought about it before, but the two worst downtimes in here actually led to the two most important connections of my IMVU life.
We all get down at times but realize that just like in life sometimes it takes a push to get out of our comfort zone and start something new. If you’re down, maybe you’re at that turning point that starts something even more exciting and fun then you can imagine right now.
I kind of picture my time here like a garden and I feel like I only have so much space (time) available to garden in. It hurts to pull something out because it was good at times and we all kind of resist change but what grows back and winds up filling up that new free space might be even better then you were expecting. I also find that things tend to get better and better, from relationship to relationship. I know it’s hard to look at it like this when you’re feeling that pain, but it’s part of growth and life.
I don’t mean it necessarily in a bad way, but even when everyone is pulling in the same direction you still have so many personalities and relationships and characters twisting and growing and sharing together that it is NEVER boring. It’s so funny, because even between two people that love each other very deeply, it’s still interesting to watch how they twist and playoff of each other sometimes.
Katy has often said that a certain amount of twinging is necessary. I guess I wrote recently the same thing in a different way, that we all have drama, meaning ups and downs in IMVU. Sometimes it’s more like swings from side to side rather than ups and downs. Sometimes it’s loops and spirals. It’s all more than a little crazy but I wouldn’t change a bit of it. It all takes energy but it’s part of being real and it definitely makes things
I dislike imvu drama like most people. But when you have relationships with real people it doesn’t feel real unless you share some of the ups and downs too. You don’t have much drama when you just wander through rooms and just meet new people randomly all the time. The more you open yourself up and connect with people the more at risk for drama you become.
Life is a struggle, we all have ups and downs in real life. Unfortunately the only way to avoid the downs is simply not to go up. I know that sounds a little silly and may be overly simplifying it, but it’s the truth. Falling in love requires opening yourself up and tearing down walls which also makes you vulnerable.
Enjoy the ups, there are actually more positive things about imvu drama than negative things though the bad things can be extremely intense. Sometimes we have to step back and get some space. Take a longer-term view and don’t react or beat yourself up too badly or let anyone else.
If this feels like a roller coaster too much get off and take a break, or just go back to the bunny slope. The bunny slope is just the things you used to do earlier when you first got here. Maybe it’s shopping, or maybe it’s making some new unrelated friends or just hanging out with people who are safe and you don’t have any issues with.
I know it’s hard to stay on track when everything is falling down around you and even the smallest thing can really mess you up. Just try to remember that it’s only temporary and don’t overreact and it will get better.
That’s a line from the movie, La Femme Nikita, but it’s also important to remember in here too. Sometimes no matter how close you are, no matter how in love you are in here, little things can come up. And it’s amazing how such a tiny little thing can change or affect your mindset. Maybe it’s because this is so much more emotional and in your head, that even a small attitude change can sometimes change your feelings and affect your relationships in here more than you realize.
I know little things start big fights even in real life, I understand that. But I kind of think that little things can somehow cause more damage in a virtual relationship then real life. Maybe it’s because a real-life relationship has more momentum, more baggage, more dependency and routine to it, and that makes it more consistent, even if it’s not as much fun sometimes.
So what do you do or how do you handle these little bumps that come along and keep them from getting you off track? The answer is Communication, Openness, and Love! (though not necessarily in that order) I don’t just mean that in general, they are really the answer, along with just taking a deep breath sometimes.
The point is though that you have to be more careful in here, because these little things can disrupt and hurt even the best relationship more in here then they do even in real life. And ironically, sometimes the strength of the relationship is what makes you susceptible to disruption if it comes from the person you have your walls down to.
Also realize that, sometimes the little ripples give you a great chance to prove yourself, and strengthen your relationship too! A relationship is in many ways the sum of all the emotions you shared, and sometimes sharing this type of emotion and being there for each other definitely does make you stronger.
So remember, love them totally. Communicate and be honest about how you feel, listen a lot and focus on their intentions. Focus more on the bigger picture and love even more! We all make mistakes or just say or do the wrong thing sometimes. Sometimes things just come out wrong. These things are going to happen. But when you both want the same thing, being open sharing and loving your way through things is what makes this so real, so intense, and so special!
Stop trying to hard.
Go to the gym.
Spend more time with real life family.
Go outside more, go to a park or some place beautiful if you can If you need to talk, talk to just one person in here who won’t talk to everyone else. Cut back a little on how many people you talk to in here, especially people who are closer to the other person.
Listen more talk less.
Put on your game face because success is the best revenge and smiling and waving will often hurt them more inside than fighting back Hug a lot!
Go out and meet new people who don’t know any of the issues.
Reconnect with or send a loving message to an old friend not involved in any of it.
Apologize, and mean it
Don’t Respond to hostile messages.
Slow everything down.
Don’t blame anyone to much.
Don’t wine and complain to much.
Don’t dwell on it.
Don’t do anything hurtful to yourself or anyone else Know when talking about it become unproductive and stop.
Don’t report them for anything.
Don’t try to win points or an argument.
Don’t keep rubbing their nose in a mistake.
Also read The White Rose
Issues come up. We are all human. We make mistakes and can even hurt or get hurt by someone we love. It could just be real life things getting on the way. We have two directions we can go when things happen. We can react and be upset and pull back or complain about it. Or we can CHOSE to respond in love and use it as an opportunity to prove your love and try to make them feel even closer.
Now of course this is easier to say than to do. But that’s kind of the definition of character and the right thing. It’s always easier to say than to do. This is where a best friend is important because you may have to vent a little and talk to someone you can trust.
I’ve also learned something else recently, your first reaction when you are dealing with drama is almost never the right answer. It’s important not to react to fast, to give yourself time to cool down and think about things sometimes.
Remember that in here your heart shows a lot more than in real life. And the more you want to react and pull back, the more valuable it is to respond with love. You will always gain more by responding in love.
Looking at problems as opportunities is NOT easy. But it’s easier than the alternative.
One of the worst things in here is jealousy. It will eat you and your relationships up. So what do you do when you feel that? One thing I learned from Susan is to use that. If you feel jealous of someone, get to know them.
It’s harder to be jealous and upset about someone that you know and is your friend. You may find that instead of being hurt you wind up making a great friend. If your partner likes them there’s a good chance you will too.
It’s also important to be friends and close to the people that are important to your partner. It adds strength and stability to your relationship. And your relationship is the most important thing you have here. So treat it like that.
The exception to this is if the other person requires exclusivity and is therefore pulling him or her away from you. If someone does this they are only going to hurt somebody probably very badly, whether it’s themselves, or you or the person in between, or probably all of the above. And not wanting your partner to go with someone that requires exclusivity, isn’t jealousy actually, it’s really just not wanting to lose them.
I’ve noticed something recently, that it is often very easy to assume something negative not based on someone’s actions, but the perceived lack of action. If someone does something that rubs you the wrong way, or upsets you, you need to communicate more before you get upset.
It is especially important not to assume the worst about the lack of action. It is very easy to be distracted in here between all of the soap operas going on and our real life issues. This makes it very easy to overlook something or someone, but that is NOT the same thing as DOING something to hurt them.
So many things happen in here and the emotions get pretty intense. You have to be so careful about so many things and you’ll probably still hurt someone’s feelings sometimes. If you start assuming negative things about your friend’s lack of action or attention, you will soon be upset at everyone and make yourself miserable. This is especially true of people you love. Part of loving them means giving them the benefit of the doubt and not being overly critical.
We all make mistakes. We say things to protect someone or do something that winds up hurting. I’m more guilty of this than most maybe because I talk to much and don’t filter or think sometimes. I justify that by pointing out that its necessary to open up and share straight from your heart to be really close.
Unfortunately, no matter how careful we are, sometimes things happen. If its someone you don’t know, all you have to go on are the actions. But when you really know someone you have to look at more than just their actions. You have to take into account their intentions.
It’s difficult to say what’s most important or make a rule. It’s a case by case judgement. But the more you know someone the more you have to look at their intentions and if possibly the context. If it hurt but they didn’t intend to hurt you, you have to try and forgive them. That’s often easier to say than to do, I know. But the right thing to do is usually the hard thing.
Private Note: I wrote this during the day Friday and now it’s the hardest thing to post. I guess it’s hard because it’s right. And I feel like shit. I’m sorry for being a jerk. I know you and that matters more than anything else. Please believe me I intended to come in and say I’m behind you no matter what and this was just an excuse to show you that I’m on your side. Then I end up feeling excluded and taken for granted and dissed and I just over reacted. I’m very sorry! (If you don’t know what this means don’t worry about it!)
We all complain about drama.
While looking for this comic I saw recently to illustrate the point, I actually found an article that said everything I wanted to say:
Why is there so much drama in relationships?
1. To quell uncertainty
2. To seek reassurance
3. To enliven the relationship
4. To grab power
5. To exact payback
6. To breakup
7. Because some are really psycho
Answer: All of the above.
Honestly, I’d prefer to live a drama free life. I try. But a couple recent conversations stuck out. One was a slave trying to convince me to be his owner. He promised to be the perfect slave, obeying everything I say but creating just enough trouble to keep it fun. I got the same advice when I was seeking tips on being a better sub.
It is fun. It also does “quell uncertainty” provides “reassurance” and “enlivens” the relationship. My favorite book from high school was Brave New World, a scifi world where the government basically outlaws “drama” and sadness, basically using lots of sex and drugs. The point of the book is when the main character redisocvers Shakespeare and learns that without sadness, without drama, you can’t have beauty or love.
Anyway, drama sucks. It hurts. It’s stupid. We should all do our part to get rid of it. But its ok to like it, just a little.
We realize this in real life and we almost all take some form of vacation from time to time. We may not get to take them all over the world every month or two like the president, but its helpful to have some time away occasionally. Imvu is an escape but it can be emotionally very intense and sometimes we need an escape from this escape. So it’s very understandable to need a break sometimes.
The good news is that the love and good feelings tend to last and the anxiety fades quicker. It generally only takes a couple days. It can help you think more clearly to let some of the emotionality out and can help you appreciate things more.
So if someone you love us under a lot of pressure and says they need a break, don’t worry or freak out. Look at it as a good thing. It’s just a pause to catch their breath, to rebalance and sharpen their axe. This isn’t a race. Loving someone means putting their needs first and wanting what’s best for them. So take a deep breath and love them with all your heart when they come back.
I haven’t talked or even thought much about my first marriage, but 20 years ago I was married. It only lasted about 2 years or so and it turned into a nightmare of nonstop arguing. I’ve kind of blocked a lot of it out but the intensity of the emotion of a fight with someone I love that much brings that back and makes me have to run and retreat. And every time I do that I feel like I’m emotionally taking one step toward giving up on the whole thing.
In order to be truely close and love someone in here you have to tear down your walls. That’s an awesome feeling and time in a relationship as you circle and dance, each opening up together. I kind of think I’m good at opening up and tearing down my walls with people. But the more thoroughly I tear them down the more vulnerable I become too. It takes a while to truly trust people and feel like they are a part of your heart but it’s an awesome feeling.
99.999% of the time that’s great because they are awesome people and we really love and would do anything for each other. But every once in a great while something goes wrong and if I feel like someone in my heart is attacking me I can get very hurt very easily. It can just be a misunderstanding or saying the wrong thing at the wrong time and it’s amazing how fast all the good things suddenly go out the window. I can face down the biggest scariest demons, assassins or dragons in here but if someone in my heart hurts me, it brings me back to the verbal abuse from my first marriage and makes me want to run away both physically and emotionally as well. Trust me this isn’t easy to say or face but in hind site I’ve kind of done this in the major conflicts I’ve had in here.
The Argument Myth: It’s always better to stay and work things out when you have an argument.
I actually find the opposite is true. Any time I’ve ever felt the urge to run away when an argument is escalating I’ve always looked back and found that it got worse because I stayed when I wanted to leave. That doesn’t mean this is true for everyone, but I find it’s much easier to work out your differences when you’ve had a chance to let the emotion die down. There’s no reason it has to be addressed right then when people are upset about things. Sleep on it, catch your breath, and come back with love later. If you feel like it’s getting out of control call a truce and give it a rest. That’s the best way to stop things from spiraling out of control.
The people you love the most can also hurt you the most. Loving means opening up and letting someone in to your heart. That feeling that you can’t get close enough is great but it also means that person has the ability to hurt even the strongest person very deeply too. It’s amazing how big and damaging even something small can turn into, and months and months of love and being there for someone goes out the window.
I was going to write about what to do when you get hurt, but honestly I guess I’m not very good at that. I’m trying to focus on my family and work and I shut off email forwarding of messages so I can just hide. There’s nothing urgent in there that can’t wait until I feel better in here. I have to cut back my time in IMVU anyway so I’ll just use this as a vacation from non-reality. Don’t write me or worry.
I learned something recently that I really need to remember and use myself. So this one is as much to reinforce and remind myself of this as anything. When a friend was upset at someone that she thought had wronged her she joked about wanting to give the other person a piece of coal. But instead she sent a white rose.
I don’t know what she wrote, but it was something about purity of heart and it didn’t totally end the issue but it didn’t make it worse. And it did raise her up a lot in my eyes. It might feel good to zing someone back but the more you want to retaliate the more important it is to respond in love.
So the next time I get angry I’m going to follow her example and send a white rose. Hopefully even if you read this and know what it means, you’ll still appreciate it and know that I love you in spite of whatever issue we might have.
I had a new friend that I had only met once but i was really looking forward to seeing again. We had exchanged notes and gifts and it was going to be fun. But when we got a chance to get together he started out by complaining that I was ignoring him and then after another minute he’s gripping about everyone in here. He was upset and angry. I think it was more about things in real life.
We all have bad days. But unlike real life in here you can be anything you want. But at the same time people can be with anyone they want. So if you aren’t fun to be with people are going to make themselves scarce.
This doesn’t apply to your best friends in imvu as much. If its a one time thing some emotion can help make things exciting and help you feel closer but to much will turn into a problem. Good friends won’t stay away but it could ultimately hurt the most important things you have in here (your relationships) if you have repeated issues.
I have a very thick skin and there aren’t that many things that really hurt me in here, but I guess one sore spot with me is being left out. It hurt me when I wasn’t able to join my friends in a room one time. And it hurt not being there for a friends wedding, which I know is ironic since when I married Holly I did it in private.
I usually write here about my mistakes. But I realized recently how cutting the people you love out of something important hurts them and your relationship. It feels like you’re not important to them or that they really don’t care, especially if it’s something planned ahead of time. Even when you talk and they feel bad and didn’t mean to exclude you it still hurts almost to the point of letting go of someone that was important.
There are easy ways in IMVU to avoid someone, essentially cutting them out of your things here. You can unfriend them, you can block them, and you can boot them from a room or ban them from your rooms. These are important tools for your protection, and there are certainly cases where this is the appropriate thing to do, especially with strangers. But if someone is or was a friend and especially when you have common friends you have to be very careful about doing this, because that doesn’t end it and usually winds up hurt and worse yet, your other friends much more than the original incident.
The worst drama situations I’ve had here all involved a friend cutting out via the steps above, another friend who they have strong common friendships with. Cutting out a stranger doesn’t hurt very much and reduces the drama and minimizes the confrontation, but cutting out a friend suddenly puts your common friends in the middle and creates way more drama than it reduces. I always say that I write this about my own mistakes so I’m going to give some real life examples, though this isn’t about them.
The two biggest drama situations I had here were when Jess got mad and cut Lexi out of our circle of friends because she was friends with Jess’ ex girlfriend. I said that was wrong and tried to show her and it wound up making me leave my best friend along with alot of the circle. The other situation was when Ash cut me out because I said my girlfriend at the time, Christi was leaving me for Ash. They just announced their engagement by the way. But in both cases the cutting out is what caused way more damage than the reason for the cut, way, way more. It wasn’t as big of a deal with Morgan because I only answered it with love, but it still puts every common friend you have with that person in the middle and makes them choose.
You’re going to see them at common places and talk to the same people. So as tempting as it is to just unfriend, block and ban them and think you’re done, that is ALWAYS the wrong way to deal with a friend. Talk to them and try to resolve the issue or you risk hurting yourself . Whether you’re right or not cutting out a friend without really trying to resolve things, creates drama for all your common friends. Even if you’re angry at that person you owe it to your common friends not to put them in the middle.
You don’t have to try to resolve it publicly or in front of your common friends. You just can’t end it by cutting them out or that will hurt the most valuable thing you have in here, your other friends. You’ll create unnecessary drama and tension with everyone, that will linger long after the incident is long forgotten. And you’ll ultimately hurt yourself most of all.
IMVU can be crazy, there’s no doubt about that. And as much as you might want real life, you have to be careful because if the craziness of this place spills over into your real life it can be very difficult to say the least. The emotions in here are so strong, love so free flowing, and the soap opera ness of it almost can’t be helped at times. The emotions are real but there’s a reason why real life is the way it is and why this place is the way it is too. Being the way you are in real life here isn’t easy and being the way you are here in real life will cause problems too.
Nobody looks down on anyone in here. In fact it’s quite the opposite. Your friends here are real people too and they love you and know you are a great cherished real person too. Don’t take the loving feeling we share here to be anything wrong or hurtful, it’s not at all. Remember that you can always take a break or leave and come back after a while. Hold on and put off any major decision until you’re not in the middle of the emotion but don’t be afraid to step back from the emotion.
We’re all people and as much as we try to share such good times and love with friends there will still be issues sometimes. We’re humans and unfortunately we can’t let people in with good emotions and not have bad emotions sometimes too. The good side here about feelings growing so quickly and feeling so wonderful can also go bad even faster sometimes and hurt even more than real life. We don’t have body language or other real life cues like you would in real life. So it can be easier to take something the wrong way. We also tend to fill in the gaps with positive things most of the time, but sometimes we imagine something to be worse than it is too.
Sometimes even a small little thing can be taken the wrong way and cause hurt feelings. And if you don’t address that properly you can hurt yourself and a lot of people for no reason. The first thing to do if someone hurts you is to walk away and don’t dwell on it. Don’t send messages about it or talk to other people and do NOT pulse about it. You may think telling other people will help but it may cause more damage than the original comment, both to you and to your friends. Sleep and or give it some time and then look at it with fresh eyes. Late at night it’s easy to keep going on about something but that’s the wrong thing to do.
The first thing to do is at least try to calmly talk to the person just you and them. A lot of things that seem like major issues can be resolved with communication. Give them the benefit of the doubt and at least try to talk it out. This place is built on and fosters communication but it also requires more communication to function than real life too. If that doesn’t work and you have no common friends you can just walk away very easily here. But if you have common friends you can NOT act like it’s just you and the other person or you will hurt and upset a lot of other people that you care about, which can be worse than the original incident.
We’ve all made mistakes and felt like leaving once in a while. Even if it wasn’t your mistake, it could just be the people you were around. The biggest factor in how much fun you have here is definitely the people around you.
The good news is that you can change the people around you much more easily here than in anything else. I have to tell you it feels very painful walking away from people. It’s hard but once you do it you’ll be surprised how quickly you can bounce back too.
Unfriend them and remove the rooms from your favorites and walk away. You can always add a few of back later on, but you have to walk away to heal. In some cases you may have to block one or two people and maybe even change your name. Both of these things are very easy to do though.
Then go to the gym and workout to clear hour head. Get a good nights sleep and you’ll be surprised how good you feel the next day and how easy it is to make some new friends. Everyone deserves a second or third chance and we all make mistakes and have to move on sometimes.
Don’t get caught up in drama from Pulse. Pulse is ok but it’s easy to get caught up in drama there. There are enough issues flying around here to corrupt a convent full of nuns. Sonya suggested that you know the reason why you’re here and avoid all the drama and crap in here. Keep it fun don’t get distracted. By the way SonyaPinks is an amazing Mesher especially if you like Rave outfits.