IMVU is a No-fault state

swing your partner round an round In the USA some states are no fault states.  That means they don’t determine fault in an auto accident.  IMVU Is the same way. No matter what happens, if you have to leave quickly, or your partner crashes or says the wrong thing or is away for a while… Anything like that, you can’t blame anyone.  It’s just part of the flexibility you have to have in here.

It’s nice to say you’re sorry if something happens, but if they don’t don’t place any fault. Everything is so voluntary here if you blame someone or hold somebody responsible and give them a hard time, it’ll only hurt you and your relationship with them.

So try to be very excepting, and nonjudgmental. That’s a good word for this place, non-judgmental.  You can’t judge anybody about basically anything in here. For better or worse, It’s kind of the wild West in some ways, in that anything goes!

No matter what the issue is remember the one answer and response that you need to have, is to love the other person more than anyone else! If you always have that attitude it will always be fun and things will work out in the end.

warm imvu cuddle and loveThis is a little different with the IMVU corporation though. While nothing is ever their fault, you will certainly be blamed for anything and everything, whether it’s your fault or not.  You can follow their terms of service to the letter and still be attacked over and over again and don’t ever expect the IMVU customer service to do anything but attack and blame you!

You can prove that they are wrong and they will simply ignore it and continue to blame you until you give up and admit that YOU were wrong.  I don’t want to vent too much about them in this post, because this isn’t a complaint but trust me on this.  You will eventually hate the IMVU corporation.

Your worst downtimes are just turning points

Lyn family waking up in imvu
I recently sat down with a friend and talked about dealing with the down times in imvu and realized something about my experience in here that I hadn’t quite thought about like this before. The very worst times I’ve had in here, when I’ve been down and at my very lowest in here were actually important changing points in my life in here.

At one point I had to essentially walk away from the whole group I was with. That was right about the time I started the website. The person I had the problem with was going to make me a website and I had to figure out how to do it myself. That’s why I ended up hanging out with Gabby and that’s how the Night Shift started. When one door closes in IMVU another one opens

Night Shift imvu sexy girls dancingThen when my ex Holly left I was kind of floundering and decided to try to get to know Katy (& Susan) which led to the Lyn family. I hadn’t really thought about it before, but the two worst downtimes in here actually led to the two most important connections of my IMVU life.

We all get down at times but realize that just like in life sometimes it takes a push to get out of our comfort zone and start something new. If you’re down, maybe you’re at that turning point that starts something even more exciting and fun then you can imagine right now.kait and kris imvu kissing

I kind of picture my time here like a garden and I feel like I only have so much space (time) available to garden in. It hurts to pull something out because it was good at times and we all kind of resist change but what grows back and winds up filling up that new free space might be even better then you were expecting. I also find that things tend to get better and better, from relationship to relationship. I know it’s hard to look at it like this when you’re feeling that pain, but it’s part of growth and life.

Know when to shut up

shut up the emotions in imvu
Communication is important but knowing when to shut up can be just as important but can be even harder to do especially when you get excited and emotional. You don’t have to not respond. Just slow down and give yourself some time.

One great tip to do that as well as to get an extra opinion on it is to have a partner that you can bounce things off of when its important. Instead of responding to their messages, send it to your partner and talk to them before resending it. You’ll probably like their input and improve it.

The best rule is that if you’re upset never send more than three messages. If you can’t say it in three messages wait a day and rewrite it. Even if they’re just small messages more that three messages makes you look out of control and is guaranteed to only hurt you and isn’t going to get your point across.

dirty windowImvu is emotional and can be intense so you have to be careful. If you have to say something more send a gift because that shows you’re not attacking and changes the dynamic too. It has to be a loving caring gift that says you want to be a friend, and absolutely nothing with an attitude. It’s easy to just respond in kind to someone being nasty. It takes strength to stop fighting and resolve things. I’m not perfect at this for sure bug it’s important.

Life in IMVU can being such a soap opera

imvu drama and relationshipsI don’t mean it necessarily in a bad way, but even when everyone is pulling in the same direction you still have so many personalities and relationships and characters twisting and growing and sharing together that it is NEVER boring. It’s so funny, because even between two people that love each other very deeply, it’s still interesting to watch how they twist and playoff of each other sometimes.

Katy has often said that a certain amount of twinging is necessary. I guess I wrote recently the same thing in a different way, that we all have drama, meaning ups and downs in IMVU. Sometimes it’s more like swings from side to side rather than ups and downs. Sometimes it’s loops and spirals. It’s all more than a little crazy but I wouldn’t change a bit of it. It all takes energy but it’s part of being real and it definitely makes things

It takes some ups and downs

imvu happy snugglesI dislike imvu drama like most people. But when you have relationships with real people it doesn’t feel real unless you share some of the ups and downs too. You don’t have much drama when you just wander through rooms and just meet new people randomly all the time. The more you open yourself up and connect with people the more at risk for drama you become.

Life is a struggle, we all have ups and downs in real life. Unfortunately the only way to avoid the downs is simply not to go up. I know that sounds a little silly and may be overly simplifying it, but it’s the truth. Falling in love requires opening yourself up and tearing down walls which also makes you vulnerable.

Enjoy the ups, there are actually more positive things about imvu drama than negative things though the bad things can be extremely intense. Sometimes we have to step back and get some space. Take a longer-term view and don’t react or beat yourself up too badly or let anyone else.

imvu explosionsIf this feels like a roller coaster too much get off and take a break, or just go back to the bunny slope. The bunny slope is just the things you used to do earlier when you first got here. Maybe it’s shopping, or maybe it’s making some new unrelated friends or just hanging out with people who are safe and you don’t have any issues with.

I know it’s hard to stay on track when everything is falling down around you and even the smallest thing can really mess you up. Just try to remember that it’s only temporary and don’t overreact and it will get better.

I never did bother much about the little things.

snuggling and teasing a real manThat’s a line from the movie, La Femme Nikita, but it’s also important to remember in here too. Sometimes no matter how close you are, no matter how in love you are in here, little things can come up. And it’s amazing how such a tiny little thing can change or affect your mindset. Maybe it’s because this is so much more emotional and in your head, that even a small attitude change can sometimes change your feelings and affect your relationships in here more than you realize.

I know little things start big fights even in real life, I understand that. But I kind of think that little things can somehow cause more damage in a virtual relationship then real life. Maybe it’s because a real-life relationship has more momentum, more baggage, more dependency and routine to it, and that makes it more consistent, even if it’s not as much fun sometimes.

don't bother much about the litteSo what do you do or how do you handle these little bumps that come along and keep them from getting you off track? The answer is Communication, Openness, and Love! (though not necessarily in that order) I don’t just mean that in general, they are really the answer, along with just taking a deep breath sometimes.

The point is though that you have to be more careful in here, because these little things can disrupt and hurt even the best relationship more in here then they do even in real life. And ironically, sometimes the strength of the relationship is what makes you susceptible to disruption if it comes from the person you have your walls down to.

dancing on the beachAlso realize that, sometimes the little ripples give you a great chance to prove yourself, and strengthen your relationship too! A relationship is in many ways the sum of all the emotions you shared, and sometimes sharing this type of emotion and being there for each other definitely does make you stronger.

So remember, love them totally. Communicate and be honest about how you feel, listen a lot and focus on their intentions. Focus more on the bigger picture and love even more! We all make mistakes or just say or do the wrong thing sometimes. Sometimes things just come out wrong. These things are going to happen. But when you both want the same thing, being open sharing and loving your way through things is what makes this so real, so intense, and so special!

Dos and don’ts when you get down

kait cryingI started this post when I was doing great. I pulled it out again recently because I’ve been really down suddenly and figured “I” need it now. So here’s another in my series of self lectures.

Step back.
Stop trying to hard.
Go to the gym.
Spend more time with real life family.
Go outside more, go to a park or some place beautiful if you can If you need to talk, talk to just one person in here who won’t talk to everyone else. Cut back a little on how many people you talk to in here, especially people who are closer to the other person.
Listen more talk less.
Put on your game face because success is the best revenge and smiling and waving will often hurt them more inside than fighting back Hug a lot!
Go out and meet new people who don’t know any of the issues.
Reconnect with or send a loving message to an old friend not involved in any of it.
Apologize, and mean it

Don’t Respond to hostile messages.
Slow everything down.
Don’t blame anyone to much.
Don’t wine and complain to much.
Don’t dwell on it.
Don’t do anything hurtful to yourself or anyone else Know when talking about it become unproductive and stop.
Don’t report them for anything.
Don’t try to win points or an argument.
Don’t keep rubbing their nose in a mistake.

Also read The White Rose

Look at issues as opportunities

waves seagulls and loveThis is advice to myself more than anyone else. I hate lecturing myself almost as much as arguing with myself but I guess I need it.

Issues come up. We are all human. We make mistakes and can even hurt or get hurt by someone we love. It could just be real life things getting on the way. We have two directions we can go when things happen. We can react and be upset and pull back or complain about it. Or we can CHOSE to respond in love and use it as an opportunity to prove your love and try to make them feel even closer.

Now of course this is easier to say than to do. But that’s kind of the definition of character and the right thing. It’s always easier to say than to do. This is where a best friend is important because you may have to vent a little and talk to someone you can trust.

kissing and  lovingI’ve also learned something else recently, your first reaction when you are dealing with drama is almost never the right answer. It’s important not to react to fast, to give yourself time to cool down and think about things sometimes.

Remember that in here your heart shows a lot more than in real life. And the more you want to react and pull back, the more valuable it is to respond with love. You will always gain more by responding in love.

Looking at problems as opportunities is NOT easy. But it’s easier than the alternative.

Jealousy Strategy

sunset campfire kissesOne of the worst things in here is jealousy. It will eat you and your relationships up. So what do you do when you feel that? One thing I learned from Susan is to use that. If you feel jealous of someone, get to know them.

It’s harder to be jealous and upset about someone that you know and is your friend. You may find that instead of being hurt you wind up making a great friend. If your partner likes them there’s a good chance you will too. I love you Talor

It’s also important to be friends and close to the people that are important to your partner. It adds strength and stability to your relationship. And your relationship is the most important thing you have here. So treat it like that.

The exception to this is if the other person requires exclusivity and is therefore pulling him or her away from you. If someone does this they are only going to hurt somebody probably very badly, whether it’s themselves, or you or the person in between, or probably all of the above. And not wanting your partner to go with someone that requires exclusivity, isn’t jealousy actually, it’s really just not wanting to lose them.

Don’t read too much into the lack of something

flying with LoveI’ve noticed something recently, that it is often very easy to assume something negative not based on someone’s actions, but the perceived lack of action. If someone does something that rubs you the wrong way, or upsets you, you need to communicate more before you get upset.

It is especially important not to assume the worst about the lack of action. It is very easy to be distracted in here between all of the soap operas going on and our real life issues. This makes it very easy to overlook something or someone, but that is NOT the same thing as DOING something to hurt them.sunny beach in imvu

So many things happen in here and the emotions get pretty intense. You have to be so careful about so many things and you’ll probably still hurt someone’s feelings sometimes. If you start assuming negative things about your friend’s lack of action or attention, you will soon be upset at everyone and make yourself miserable. This is especially true of people you love. Part of loving them means giving them the benefit of the doubt and not being overly critical.

Look at their intentions

imvu familyWe all make mistakes. We say things to protect someone or do something that winds up hurting. I’m more guilty of this than most maybe because I talk to much and don’t filter or think sometimes. I justify that by pointing out that its necessary to open up and share straight from your heart to be really close.

Unfortunately, no matter how careful we are, sometimes things happen. If its someone you don’t know, all you have to go on are the actions. But when you really know someone you have to look at more than just their actions. You have to take into account their intentions.

It’s difficult to say what’s most important or make a rule. It’s a case by case judgement. But the more you know someone the more you have to look at their intentions and if possibly the context. If it hurt but they didn’t intend to hurt you, you have to try and forgive them. That’s often easier to say than to do, I know. But the right thing to do is usually the hard thing.

Private Note: I wrote this during the day Friday and now it’s the hardest thing to post. I guess it’s hard because it’s right. And I feel like shit. I’m sorry for being a jerk. I know you and that matters more than anything else. Please believe me I intended to come in and say I’m behind you no matter what and this was just an excuse to show you that I’m on your side. Then I end up feeling excluded and taken for granted and dissed and I just over reacted. I’m very sorry! (If you don’t know what this means don’t worry about it!)

The benefits of Drama

We all complain about drama.


While looking for this comic I saw recently to illustrate the point, I actually found an article that said everything I wanted to say:

Why is there so much drama in relationships?

1. To quell uncertainty
2. To seek reassurance
3. To enliven the relationship
4. To grab power
5. To exact payback
6. To breakup
7. Because some are really psycho

Answer: All of the above.

Honestly, I’d prefer to live a drama free life. I try. But a couple recent conversations stuck out. One was a slave trying to convince me to be his owner. He promised to be the perfect slave, obeying everything I say but creating just enough trouble to keep it fun. I got the same advice when I was seeking tips on being a better sub.

It is fun. It also does “quell uncertainty” provides “reassurance” and “enlivens” the relationship. My favorite book from high school was Brave New World, a scifi world where the government basically outlaws “drama” and sadness, basically using lots of sex and drugs. The point of the book is when the main character redisocvers Shakespeare and learns that without sadness, without drama, you can’t have beauty or love.

Anyway, drama sucks. It hurts. It’s stupid. We should all do our part to get rid of it. But its ok to like it, just a little.

Silly SNL sketch about drama.