Is this wrong or bad?
A girl who’s boyfriend is on imvu posted a comment and was upset, and concerned that this was the equivalent to cheating and wrong. I struggled with this more than my share and wanted to highlight her concerns discuss it. So I asked her to write it out and I’d post it and talk about it. There’s no one answer, but I hope that this can be a healthy and helpful discussion. So here’s Natalie.
Everything I read from psychologists, marital councelors, and advice columns…. Really any input that does not come from an imvu user, classifies this as emotional cheating. Most say it is often more damaging than physical cheating. At the very least, it is suggested that this be discussed before a relationship starts, boundaries are set, and no one sneaks or hides anything. But everything I read from the imvu world is the exact opposite.
And in every case, if you are giving time and affection to person B, it can only come from the time and affection that could be used to improve and build with person A. No one, that has not signed up for a polyamorous relationship, wants to share the one they love. And no one, in any relationship deserves to be lied to, or told half truths.
He actually told me he hid this for so long bc he loved me so much and didn’t want to lose what we had. But what about me? He knew I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship like that. He knew I wouldn’t have fallen in love with a liar. He knew I would not be happy in a relationship where I had to share him. But he took the power of choice from me by pretending everything was as I wanted it to be. He manipulated me into loving him by being someone different to me than he really was.
So now, 6 years in. I still love him and can’t imagine myself without him. But I also don’t want to live this way. I’m torn between staying and being unhappy or leaving and being unhappy. So that’s why I ask how your hubby wakes up every morning, broken heRted and prepared to be hurt again by the one he loves most.
And not to be all attacky, but can you honestly say this is anything other than pure selfishness?
Read the full post for my thoughts and please add your own to this one!
These are good points. And I wanted to put this up to really discuss it. I struggled with this a lot. I’ll be the first to say it’s a tough issue. That’s why I wanted to highlight and talk about this. I think a lot of people wrestle with this. I’ll be the first to say this is very intense and can definitely touch you. It can be a great support system and some of the best friends you may ever make. You can definitely feel a lot of love. When I first got here I admit I assumed and was afraid that the intensity of love here must take away from real life relationships too. It makes sense. But as I got into it, over time I realized it’s not the same and it doesn’t make you less loving, and can actually make you more loving.
It’s also hard if you judge it without experiencing it. I think that’s why the people you’re listening to who haven’t really seen it, dismiss and put it down while the people that’re here see it differently. Do the people in here often end up getting divorced or unhappy in their relationships? In some ways I feel like it’s kind of like people laughing at the people meeting and marrying someone they met online. How could that really last and be real!?
Side note: I bet it would be an interesting study to analyze the real life relationships and real life happiness of users of this and other virtual worlds scientifically.
It’s hard to look at things with this much emotion objectively. We all tend to see what we want to see. If you’re looking for reasons to say it’s bad and for people that support that you’ll find it. That alone doesn’t mean your point is invalid but it means you’re probably only looking at just one side. You say he’s emotional here, and that it must be taking away from his passion for you, but he still loves you and you love him. If it was really taking away from his love for you, wouldn’t you have seen evidence of that after this long? You can say that playing violent video games may or may not make you more violent, but NOBODY would ever say that playing violent video games makes you LESS violent.
You can say that emotionally doing it is the same thing as doing it, but emotionally murdering someone isn’t the same thing as murdering them. Cheating is a physical act and if you say that just wanting to is the same thing as doing it, you’re creating an impossible bar for anyone to reach. Is porn emotional cheating? Is reading romance novels the same as cheating or doing what happens in the novel? Do romance novels make you feel less loving or more loving?
Let’s assume that watching porn is wrong to you. If he watches porn would you say that is enough of a reason to leave him? If he was into violent video games and you didn’t like them, would that be enough to leave him? I’ll agree it could be if he was obsessed with it. Certainly it would be if it was clearly affecting negatively his attitude and emotional availability to you. But if it’s not, is it really that wrong? Can you really expect guys not to think about sex and treat thinking about sex, the same as if they actually had sex with that person?
You said that “giving time and affection to person B” must be taking away from time with you. This kind of assumes that people have a fixed amount of emotion and that the more emotional they are in one area the less they will be in the others. I kind of find it’s actually the opposite. When you’re happy in one area, that spills over and makes you more likely to be happy in others. And emotions are more like smiles, the more you give the more you get. If you go to the gym does that make you less inclined to be physical? When you watch sappy romantic movies does that make you more or less romantic?
Sure, anything taken to an extreme is wrong to some degree, and you could count it as a negative against him. If he flirted with other people you could certainly say that’s bad. But if it’s not leading to actual cheating you can’t really treat it like it is. We all have issues and have to decide what we’re willing to accept. This is your decision, not anyone else’s. But it’s your DECISION, not an automatic thing. You have to look at the whole person and relationship. Is the rest of your relationship good? Does he fill your needs and treat you the way you want to be treated?
And to answer your last question, just because you don’t enjoy something doesn’t mean he’s selfish if he does. If you don’t like football but he spends all day once a week focused on football, that doesn’t mean he’s selfish. Does he put it above you? If he does, or if he’s crossing over into real life, or leaving that door open sometimes, then that’s where I personally think it definitely becomes bad. Don’t be unhappy, and don’t feel like imvu’s taking anything away from you. Make him make it up to you in other ways and hold him with your love. Nobody here’s trying to hurt you and neither is your boyfriend. Real life is always first.
That’s kind of my opinion but it’s just mine. I think this requires input from a variety of people. Where do you draw the line, and how do you deal with this often difficult issue?