Being Open means being Vulnerable

imvu murderI haven’t talked or even thought much about my first marriage, but 20 years ago I was married. It only lasted about 2 years or so and it turned into a nightmare of nonstop arguing. I’ve kind of blocked a lot of it out but the intensity of the emotion of a fight with someone I love that much brings that back and makes me have to run and retreat. And every time I do that I feel like I’m emotionally taking one step toward giving up on the whole thing.

In order to be truely close and love someone in here you have to tear down your walls. That’s an awesome feeling and time in a relationship as you circle and dance, each opening up together. I kind of think I’m good at opening up and tearing down my walls with people. But the more thoroughly I tear them down the more vulnerable I become too. It takes a while to truly trust people and feel like they are a part of your heart huge imvu dragonsbut it’s an awesome feeling.

99.999% of the time that’s great because they are awesome people and we really love and would do anything for each other. But every once in a great while something goes wrong and if I feel like someone in my heart is attacking me I can get very hurt very easily. It can just be a misunderstanding or saying the wrong thing at the wrong time and it’s amazing how fast all the good things suddenly go out the window. I can face down the biggest scariest demons, assassins or dragons in here but if someone in my heart hurts me, it brings me back to the verbal abuse from my first marriage and makes me want to run away both physically and emotionally as well. Trust me this isn’t easy to say or face but in hind site I’ve kind of done this in the major conflicts I’ve had in here.

The Argument Myth: It’s always better to stay and work things out when you have an argument.

I actually find the opposite is true. Any time I’ve ever felt the urge to run away when an argument is escalating I’ve always looked back and found that it got worse because I stayed when I wanted to leave. That doesn’t mean this is true for everyone, but I find it’s much easier to work out your differences when you’ve had a chance to let the emotion die down. There’s no reason it has to be addressed right then when people are upset about things. Sleep on it, catch your breath, and come back with love later. If you feel like it’s getting out of control call a truce and give it a rest. That’s the best way to stop things from spiraling out of control.

7 responses

  1. The address it and discuss it approach does have a place. It’s appropriate for smaller things so that you don’t dwell on them and wind up letting them grow into major problems. But for major problems the emotions tend to get in the way and make things more hurtful. The big things are when I have to leave when it starts to escalate.

    January 26, 2013 at 12:15 am

  2. serenityluv1

    Its best you let things calm down so that you can discuss it without saying things you regret. Im like you everytime I fully discuss something right then it gets worse.

    January 26, 2013 at 5:38 am

  3. There’s at least a reasonable chance it’ll hurt things and someone will say things they regret, and a much smaller chance that it’ll hurt to wait and talk about it tomorrow. JMHO.

    January 26, 2013 at 9:13 am

  4. collettelilac

    Soooooooo True! Yet, so difficult to have that much self control when in the heat of the moment. Is very hard, if not impossible, to take something back said in anger. This can permanently change relationships. After emotions die down is usually a relief that you did not lash out something mean in self defense. “Boy, glad I did not tell (him – her) what a jerk they are for leaving the cap off the toothpaste!” lol
    Oh Kaity! so glad to see a tip from you!! :) IMVU with less of you, would be much, much, less.
    Love you! Collette

    January 26, 2013 at 1:57 pm

  5. quidlyn

    i really really like the idea (not sure if it was yours or S-‘s) of a safeword… to use during a fight to cool down and take a step back before someone gets hurt. i guess the optimist in me would like to believe anything can be resolved if you talk about it, because if you don’t, it will still hurt some anyway, at least for me even little things makes me feel uneasy all day and bleh, but i think you’re right that when things are hyper heated its better to take a step away.

    January 27, 2013 at 3:24 pm

  6. ~giggles~ seeing the profile pic i still have for your blog, reminds me of your first photo of me. the shot was so great it convinced me to make you my official photographer. but reminded me of my bangs which I guess are hip all of a sudden, what with Michelle Obama at the innauguration and zoe deschannel…

    January 27, 2013 at 3:26 pm

  7. I don’t know, I think it was my idea, though that’s not important. I know what you mean about everything being out of wack and miserable when things are torn apart. It wrecks me, to quote someone I love and respect. :-)

    January 27, 2013 at 4:10 pm

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