Put them first and/or Friendship first
I admit this so sounds so obvious that it almost seems stupid to say, but the surest way to not just a powerful intimate experience but real happiness with anyone is to put them first. Don’t just put the other person first, but them enthusiastically first. Even if all you’re really here for is just a little fun, you’ll turn that random encounter into someone who puts you on the top of their mental list not just another name on their friends list they will remove two weeks later when they don’t remember you. Your dance card will be full with people that really want to be with you, not just people who are there because you’re in the right place at the right time.
Putting someone else first in here doesn’t cost much. It’s really just an attitude. It’s being patient and focusing on pleasing them and makes them want to please you more than any other one thing you can do. I asked a good friend about what makes someone we both know good and it was this attitude, and their passion. Again that sounds so obvious it can’t be news to anyone. But it is so simple we all have to remind our selves sometimes. And the more you do that the more attractive you make yourself. So remember and focus on this the next time you really want to impress someone. It’s also the basis for the whole Dom/sub relationship.
So put the other person first with real enthusiasm and be the person your friends eye scans for in their friends list and the one they go out of their way to see.
Define Real
The physical contact obviously isn’t real. So IMVU sex isn’t real but the person on the other side of the keyboard is real and our emotions are real. I’ve cried real tears and gone through a lot of tissues. And a lot of the feelings you get from sex, the endorphins that are released and so forth are the same as you would get from real sex. These things are what make you feel closer to your partner afterwards and they are as real as the emotions are.
So while it is true that the sex isn’t real any more than porn is, but the emotions are, and even “simulated” sex almost can’t help but give you a warm satisfied feeling and effect your friendship if you have one with your partner. This is especially true when someone is lonely or vulnerable. (Aren’t we all sometimes?) So it is certainly true that it’s not technically real but it does give you some of the same feelings and benefits.
This really is a whole new thing and honestly doesn’t fit into the existing definitions. I think that’s one of the reasons I think it’s so interesting to write about virtual relationships, because its so new there really isn’t a lot written about it but it is growing quickly and only going to continue to as the technology that makes this possible continues to increase and grow faster and faster.
You need both great group and individual connections.
There have been times when things have been mostly group oriented in my life on imvu. And there have been times when I’ve only had individual relationships. And while I haven’t talked to other people About this, I definitely find that the best situation is a combination.
It’s wonderful to have a group of several people that all love each other and equally awesome to have one very special person that you put above everyone else and who puts you above everyone else too. Both of these things actually compliment each other, they don’t compete.
Just like its good to have a variety of good friends I think this balance is very healthy. The difference here is that it’s easier to multi task in here than it is in real life. Actually its very bad to multitask it real life but it’s very easy and pretty normal to have a variety of connections and priorities in imvu. It’s not that it’s impossible to stay exclusive on here but it goes against the grain in imvu, where there is no down side to free sex and there are temptations and distractions lurking around every corner.
Youre usually better off acting in here the same way you would in real life in most things. But one interesting difference is how geared toward multitasking imvu can be. In life you really have to focus emotionally on a single one on one relationship or you should. It’s not just easier to have multiple priorities in Imvu but it seems as natural as have multiple friends does in real life. I think it’s also interesting how unique every relationship is even within a very homogenous group. And a group can be an example of the whole being stronger than a sum of the parts because your mutual connections reinforce your direct connections.
Are you ready to meet your Virtual Love in Real Life?
MTV is doing a show or special of some kind about people meeting their virtual partner in real life for the first time. We’ve all felt so close to someone that we want to meet, but it can be tricky. They often live very far away and it can be great, but it can also be less than great which can hurt a lot too. Deciding to meet in person is a very tricky thing and can certainly be very dramatic. I think it would be a compelling show and if you don’t mind a little bit of reality show type attention and wanted to meet your partner for the first time with the cameras rolling, this
My take is that this raises the stakes a little. If it goes well it will be fun to share the powerful emotion of it. But if it goes well, the pain may be slightly worse too. It may make it harder to slink away and crawl under a rock if it blows up. You also have to consider what will happen if someone in real life sees you too. It’s not like it’s American Idol and the whole world is necessarily watching but still. This isn’t for the faint of heart and you have to be really sure of your feelings and desire. But if it works it will be something you will always look back on and they will probably pick up a few of the expenses too. So in some ways you’ll probably get a free vacation and an amazing adventure out of the deal.
I kind of hear Clint Eastwood whispering in my head, “Do you feel lucky?” I don’t but someone some where probably does and it will make for a compelling show, I will definitely be able to relate to and laugh about. I will also announce it here if I know ahead of time when it’s going to air, because it would probably be interesting to watch for all my virtual friends out there. If you’re interest click the MTV logo at the top of the article for a news article about it or just send an email to onlinerelationships@rrstaff.com
My VBFF Gabby
I am very fortunate to have the honor of calling Gabrielle Bleue Doll my very best friend, my sister, my boss, secret partner, occasionally my mistress, and all the time my very friend ever. And I don’t mean just my best friend in IMVU, I really mean my best friend ever. In a lot of ways she’s my mentor and I certainly look up to her, and can’t help but smile when I look at her either.
The pixels aren’t real but the emotions definitely are, and you can say that the sex isn’t real, but I have to tell you that the friendships definitely are very real. And Gabby is a pure friend and I’ve done my best to help her and be a pure friend since I had the privilege of getting to know her. Yes I may be crazy but the rumors that she was the night nurse in my psych ward are false. She is one of the most competent, level headed and loving, beautiful people I’ve ever had the good fortune to know.
Sometimes I swing and my emotions get the best of me, but you can always count on Gabby. She’s a rock and the most amazing friend anyone could ever imagine. And yes I hear she’s the most amazing lover ever, but I would trade in a heartbeat, all the gratification in here to have just one pure real friend like Gabby. Gabby is the Queen of Real, and is really and always my friend.
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The human soul longs to be connected
If a computer is much more powerful when it’s connected to other computers and the brain is a computer, is it any surprise that people feel better the more connected to other people they are?
I see that so clearly in my 14 year old daughter that sleeps with her cell phone and myself in here. It’s kind of strange but whether it’s messages in my inbox here, yahoo messenger or comments on the website the more I communicate the better I feel and the more I want to communicate.
Imvu is just one more way you can connect with people. The surprising thing to me is how powerful the emotional connection can be. Another surprising thing is how it literally gets easier and to let your walls down, then of course how addicting it becomes.
How to handle IMVU Drama
We’re all people and as much as we try to share such good times and love with friends there will still be issues sometimes. We’re humans and unfortunately we can’t let people in with good emotions and not have bad emotions sometimes too. The good side here about feelings growing so quickly and feeling so wonderful can also go bad even faster sometimes and hurt even more than real life. We don’t have body language or other real life cues like you would in real life. So it can be easier to take something the wrong way. We also tend to fill in the gaps with positive things most of the time, but sometimes we imagine something to be worse than it is too.
Sometimes even a small little thing can be taken the wrong way and cause hurt feelings. And if you don’t address that properly you can hurt yourself and a lot of people for no reason. The first thing to do if someone hurts you is to walk away and don’t dwell on it. Don’t send messages about it or talk to other people and do NOT pulse about it. You may think telling other people will help but it may cause more damage than the original comment, both to you and to your friends. Sleep and or give it some time and then look at it with fresh eyes. Late at night it’s easy to keep going on about something but that’s the wrong thing to do.
The first thing to do is at least try to calmly talk to the person just you and them. A lot of things that seem like major issues can be resolved with communication. Give them the benefit of the doubt and at least try to talk it out. This place is built on and fosters communication but it also requires more communication to function than real life too. If that doesn’t work and you have no common friends you can just walk away very easily here. But if you have common friends you can NOT act like it’s just you and the other person or you will hurt and upset a lot of other people that you care about, which can be worse than the original incident.
Making the most Amazing Friends
Just like the way a blind persons other senses become even more sensitive to make up for it, in IMVU you can’t see the physical and there is no little things to get in the way, so you get better at sensing the non physical. I call this IMVU vision. It’s almost impossible for someone who hasn’t been here for a while and experienced it to understand I know.
You can’t see with your eyes so you have to learn to feel with your heart. I think that’s why we sometimes feel such a powerful deep connection and I even say this place proves there is a soul. These pretty pixels and words can get pretty powerful, to the point that I feel closer to friends in here than I do in real life.
I say than “friends” in real life because I kind if feel like the friendships are more real in a sense than the love, in here. Don’t get me wrong I do love the love too, which sounds funny to say. But it’s loving friends in here that is my favorite part. I’d say the best thing I’ve learned in here is to love with all my heart. And I honestly couldn’t put just one person’s pictures up for this one so I picked a couple (not all!) of the IMVU girls who I feel so strongly connected right into my heart. You’ll find your own people and understand when it happens to you.
57 Ways to show someone you love them in IMVU
This is a post I want other people to help add to. Leave a comment here or send me a message in IMVU (my screen name in IMVU is Kaitlyn if you don’t know me.) I will edit the list and add your suggestions.
- Notes, especially ones with good letters or a mushy saying or story
- Gifts (must have romantic special notes)
- More notes, poems, compliments, and heart felt love
- Telling them you love them in front of other people and mutual friends
- Putting a picture of you both on your profile
- Introducing them to your friends (as your GF or VBF or something sappy)
- Going out of your way to spend time together
- Be interested in their activities and the things they like
- Make (develop) a picture of them or both of you for the wall in your room
- Go shopping and get them things that show you know and care about them
- Buy a shirt or necklace with their name on it or that says I love you and wear it with them.
- Get a heart effect for after you have sex with them.
- Invite them to fun different rooms, not just your default room.
- Make them laugh.
- Share sad times and be there for them when they need it.
- Do real life things like eating a meal or watching a movie with them.
- Pay attention to their fav songs and fav type of music and make a mix with their name.
- If they are a developer send several people one of their newest items and ask them to leave you a good review. This makes the developer love you (you probably have to tell them though) and it also impresses the people you give the items too.
- Write a prayer for them.
- Take lots of pictures of them and make a photo album of just you and them.
- Get a head sign that says I LOVE YOU and just put it on when they’re around.
- Randomly just say you sneak over and kiss, caress, tease or spank them (in other words, little comments)
- Get excited when they enter a room.
- Send flowers or one gift every morning.
- Have a custom voice box made with their name so you can call them by name or say I Love You Holly.
- Go over board for birthday or any special event for them
- Listen, really listen to them
- Go to whatever room they are in.
- But give them space
- Dress a like (sometimes)
- Adjust your look to things they like
- Always be supportive and put their needs first
- If someone gives you a gift let them see you using it.
- Treat something they gave you as extra special and keep it with you.
- Spend time with them even when you’re busy.
- Share your fantasies
- Figure out their fantasies and make them happen
- Find their hot buttons and push them often
- Plan dates together
- Find fun rooms to share and explore with them
- Accept them for who they are
- We all have sore spots and weaknesses, understand and be careful of theirs
- Accept their boundaries but know when to push them a little too.
- Care about their needs more than your own
- Never ever be jealous
- Defend them
- Edify them and put them on a pedastle
- Be open and sharing
- Be vulnerable
- Cuddle often.
- Include their fav positions, or imvu dances in any room you make.
- Find excuses to touch them.
- Get a tattoo with their name on it or just that says taken.
- Teach them how to do something
- Take a virtual class about something you are both interested in.
- If they have a job in here whether it’s as a dancer or developer, help them do it or do it with them.
- Play a virtual game with them
Being the Right Person
My IMVU sister, Gabby has had a tagline for a while that I really like. “A relationship is more than finding the right person…. its being the right person” I think that’s especially true in IMVU where you have the ability to be almost anyone you want. If you always wanted to be more assertive, all you have to do here is be more assertive. You can literally be anything you want. That is very empowering and therapeutic in a sense.
In real life you don’t get very many chances to totally remake your personality. In here you get to do that every day. So keep it real (which Gabby is the best at!), because making this feel real is important being human and down to earth is attractive too, but if there’s a trait or quality you wished you had more of in real life, make it yours. Be the real you that you always wanted to be! That’s part of the fun of IMVU. And no this isn’t just an excuse to say I love Gabby, but I do. ;-)
Setting ground rules
A new friend (Girl7770) made an important point the other day, about setting ground rules. There are so many different types of relationships in here and a much wider broader range of what’s acceptable than anything in real life. You’ll want to make sure you are compatible in several areas, such as whether you could ever take anything off of here and have real life potential, the level of communication, both in terms of the amount of time and what things if any beyond IMVU would be acceptable. Time zones and the amount of time and times of day you intend to commit are considerations, because there’s nothing harder than being committed to someone that’s not around or is only available at a time you can’t be here.
The other big area that you need to make sure you’re on the same page with is your exclusivity. First of all, this isn’t real life and seeing other people here may not be cheating at all, and in any case isn’t really the same thing as doing it in real life. Exclusivity goes against the grain of IMVU. It’s not that it’s impossible but it’s harder to do in here than real life. It’s like limiting yourself to one ride in Disney World. There is temptation around every corner. Also be aware that your partner probably needs some time away with other friends, to be really healthy and happy too.
There are a variety of ways that people handle it. Some couples make a list of acceptable partners that the other can play with, or a list they can’t play with. Some say it’s OK to do when the other is on and some say only when the other is off. Some people limit themselves to no orgasm, no penetration, or just about any variation you can dream up, someone is probably doing that. The point is that you have to understand what your expectations and behavior should be. This should certainly be a much bigger post with a better break down and maybe even a survey too.
The trick to making a relationship work here (as in real life) is communication. Also realize that things change and evolve in here so this may be something you’ll have to revisit. And if your partner’s doing something that’s not comfortable for you, you have to talk about it. To keep it bottled up until it blows up is even worse. And please don’t attack them for breaking the rules if they don’t know them. From personal experience that is really not fair. Relationships are what this place is all about and can be absolutely awesome, but they require even more communication than they do in real life.
Friends don’t hurt their Friend’s Relationships!
Making friends and sharing with them is one of the best parts of IMVU. But your relationships are the most important things in here, and the worst things you can do to anyone in here, is hurt their relationships. So you would think it wouldn’t be necessary to even say this. Unfortunately though it does happen. I had to walk away from someone I thought was a friend that hurt my relationship with someone I loved. She flipped out and attacked me like I was her mortal enemy for even mentioning what she was doing in private.
Unfortunately this seems to be a pattern too, as she seems to be doing it to several of her friends. It’s one thing to have some intimacy with your friends, but it’s something else to demand that to the point of getting between them and their partner. She would freak out if anyone did to her what she’s doing to her friends. Having sex with your friends can be really great and very powerful, but the friendship shouldn’t be based on or require sex, at least not for a girl. It’s always wrong to even go anywhere near hurting your friend’s relationships. Unfortunately when someone is wrong they tend to attack the messenger, so I’m sure in for it, but in a twisted way that proves the point.
Share the Pain
You know its great to share the positive emotions but you may not realize that negative emotions can be just as powerful. It doesn’t matter whether its the pain of a breakup or the pain of a real life tragedy. When you’re really down you fond out who your real friends are. And pain may not be as fun as screaming passion but it can be just as powerful. I’ve seen it time and time again. Besides it’s good for your heart and your soul to be there and care with someone that’s struggling. This is a lot of fun, but it’s not just about fun either. These are real people and it’s important to be there for them when they really need you.
Another tip: Keep Crying Tears in your gift list so you can give these and share them with a friend when they need them.
Don’t Friend too Fast
Even if you’re new PLEASE don’t Add people as Friends too fast. It’s tempting to do this when you’re new and don’t have any friends yet. But trust me, it turns people off and really doesn’t help much just to fill it up with acquaintances.
You also have to realize that with IMVU Friends, it’s quality not quantity that really matters. That’s because having a huge list of acquaintances makes it harder to see your real friends and doesn’t change how many actual friends you have or make you any more popular. And if you were referred to them by someone or are friending them for a reason (like you enjoy this site), ALWAYS send them a note too or it looks like a random request which is worse than making random chat requests.
Even if you’re new only friend people that were at least friendly with and talked to. By the way, this also points out why you should be friendly toward new people. It’s much easier to make friends with new people than it is more established people. On the other hand having even just one good established friend in here can be a huge asset too. It’s also worth noting that if you are new, your best and strongest friendships are often with new people that you can relate to.
Virtual Marriages on IMVU?!
Virtual marriage is a crazy concept to anyone new here. Being married in real life, I was probably more afraid of it than anyone. I made one of my rules that I can’t possibly do that. In some ways it sounds silly in such a free crazy place to want to make that type of commitment. Don’t worry we all think that. Just have a good time and play it by ear.
Just don’t be surprised if you wake up one morning and realize that is the only way to describe what you feel. About the time you realize what’s happened, you’ll also realize that it’s really not making a commitment, so much as acknowledging how you feel and the commitment you already have. That’s how this place sneaks up on you. That’s when you’ll turn around and realize how beautiful it is and that you suddenly want to do this very badly for your partner. And honestly it doesn’t have to take away any of the emotion from your real life marriage or relationships if you keep the worlds separate.
The most attractive quality is LOVE.
I recently met an amazing new friend and learned something or was reminded of something, very important. The most attractive quality anyone can have in IMVU or real life isn’t a certain look or even something with pixels. The most attractive characteristic someone can have is love.
In some ways it’s tricky because you don’t want to scare them or make them think you’re a stalker by coming on too strong. The right amount of love might also vary from person to person. But we’re all ultimately looking for love and can’t help but be attracted to a person that gives it to them.
I actually wasn’t even looking for love at all, at least not from anyone new. I have a lot of great friends here already. I have a wife, a family, some tremendous friends, an Alien Mistress, a couple cuddle buddies, and a whole slew of friends. Yet I have to tell you, the depth of Tammy’s love and passion bowled me over and makes my head spin. So wear your heart on your sleeve in here and share it as freely and purely as possible. The more you give it away, the more it’ll come back to you.
Kait’s IMVU guide and Virtual Relationship advice
IMVU is an insane place that’s all about chatting, dancing, meeting new people, beautiful sexy cartoons, shopping, sexy clothes, strip clubs, sexy poses and parties of every description, and of course lots of sex, all in a reasonably safe virtual way. The real secret that some people never figure out or that at least takes a long time to figure out, is that under all that, imvu is really about relationships. The variety of relationships in IMVU is as vast and diverse as the two million people from over 80 countries.
Virtual relationships here can also be amazingly powerful and develop much faster here in this crazy world than in real life, without all of the distractions and nuisances of real life. Unfortunately I couldn’t find any frank real world advice about IMVU or virtual relationships. So after talking about that long enough I decided it was time to try to put something helpful for the IMVU community together. I don’t work for IMVU or even know anyone that does. I just Love IMVU, and this is just one crazy MILF’s random collection of thoughts and experiences in here. I like taking pictures and making videos of IMVU and try to keep most of the more adult things in a Private Section with passwords, but there are a lot of Imvu Girls here and many of the images are pretty sexy and geared toward an adult audience.
I hope you enjoy it and I’d love to hear your comments or feedback. IMVU User Name: Kaitlyn (send a message before Adding me as a Friend)
Kait’s new word: Framily
Framily is simply when you start out as friends and end up as family. It’s one of the best kind of relationships. In IMVU you’re not born into a family. You don’t automatically get one. You have to chose them and they have to chose you. It’s family by choice which is what makes it more special in a sense.
Sure there will be issues and some drama. It wouldn’t be a family without that. But you’re a family so you stick together and make it work, because in the long run your loyalty to and love for the family trumps the issues and makes the difference.
Even if you can’t be there communicate.
We all have things come up that prevent us from being able to be here from time to time. Your real life always has to be first. When you’re away for an extended period of time though, remember it’s not that you’re not here that hurts you relationships, it’s the lack of communication. It doesn’t even have to be a lot of communication either. The hardest thing to take in a virtual relationship, is an extended period of dead silence.
Fortunately with smart cell phones today you can almost always have some contact. It doesn’t usually take much either. You’ll also probably be surprised at how patient and understanding they can be if you ask them. They want to share the challenges with you and they have issues too, we all do. But doubt will creep into even the strongest relationship if you don’t communicate at all. Send an email, text message, Yahoo msgr, or a message in IMVU. Whatever you do, don’t leave someone you care about hanging.
This also relates to and brings up a previous post and point about making an emergency contact system. If you are in a car accident or something that prevents you from even getting an email out give you closest friend an email address or phone number of someone in real life to call to see if anything has happened to you after a certain amount of time. You don’t want them to be calling the hospitals in your area afraid something horrible has happened.
Look for the silver lining in drama
SweetSorrow84: No matter how messy or hurtful a situation may seem, there is always something positive and good we can get from them and we should always let go of the bad and keep the good.
Whenever you’re dealing with people there are conflicts and issues that arise. You can’t let in people without it. You can try to minimize it and make rules against it, but it will still happen. You will say something that upsets someone at some point. If you ask some people I’m the queen of it. It can even come from too much honesty.
The first thing to do when there are issues, is to try not to get too caught up in it. Take some time away, and don’t respond to messages or emails right away. Responding too fast tends to escalate them. That’s easier to say than do, when it seems like things are erupting. Next think about it with a longer term view. Think what will matter 5 years from now?
Then look for the silver lining. Being cut off from some friends makes you closer to others. The emotion of losing a love can bring you closer to someone else you weren’t even expecting. And the end of one chapter is the beginning of another, even when you can’t see it at first. Two good friends were married and had a very popular room and it seemed like there was always a crowd of people and friends there. I remember after my two friends split and most people stopped going to the rooms, all of a sudden there were 3 or 4 weddings. It was almost like the music had stopped and the instability of the group made couples latch on and want to commit.
Relationships are built on shared emotions, and while it’s nice when it’s pretty and positive emotions, they can also be built if you share painful emotions together too. So when you see someone hurting, share their pain. Be there for them when everyone else runs away. And that next chapter, might just turn into something really awesome.
What am I thankful for?
Being away for a week with family was great but it also made me realize how much I really miss so many people here. People encompasses a lot and a pretty wide variety of relationships. We don’t eat turkey in here and we don’t all even celebrate Thanksgiving of course. But we all have things to be thankful for, friends, families, spouses, and more.
It’s funny how this place parallels real life in this way and kind of teaches us or reminds us that the most important thing is really the people. There are more things to get in the way and distract us in real life, but the people and relationships in real life as in IMVU are ultimately the most important thing. So even though we may not sit down to a big dinner in here I am so very thankful for all of the people in my life here.
Share your Heart
When you first get started in IMVU you think you’re attractive because of the outside. You work hard to come up with the right combination of pixels. But in reality those are still just pixels. And you can change them very easily. It’s kind of ironic in a sense if you think about it but what ultimately makes you attractive in here is actually the inside.
Let people get to know you as you get to know them and you’ll understand. The sexy outfits are nice but they are just a tool to show how you feel inside which is what counts. The unique ability to share your heart and soul without caring about the outside is the real magic of IMVU.
You’ll make their heads explode.
Whatever you do, do NOT try to tell your real life friends about all the dynamics of your relationships here. It may make their heads explode. I’m not kidding. It can be fun to have a real life friend join you in here, but don’t try to explain too much of this place to them or you’ll scare them away even if you don’t cause any permanent damage.
This place really is crazy and it takes a lot of time to get used to and accept it. If you try to throw someone into the deep end you can end up doing more harm than good. I know you’re excited about it, and it’s hard to keep bottled up at times, but they’re just going to think you’re crazy. If you explain too much they won’t think you’re less crazy, they’ll KNOW you’re crazy. And you probably are, but that’s the fun of it, and here you look much more normal among all the other crazy people.
IMVU Weddings
IMVU Weddings
That’s when you may find one of the real secrets to not just IMVU but life as well. IMVU is much more fun as a team sport. There is a wider variety of teams and ways to play here than you can possibly imagine. But the bottom line is that sometimes when you make someone else’s happiness your priority you wind up being more happy than you could have possibly imagined or done on your own.
Don’t try to explain any of this really deep stuff to anyone outside of IMVU. They’ll think you need to have your head examined. And when your soaring relationship crashes and fails, you’ll think you should have had your head examined too, but you still won’t be able to leave. Face it, we’re all crazy. Embrace the insanity and enjoy the ride.
