Put them first and/or Friendship first
I admit this so sounds so obvious that it almost seems stupid to say, but the surest way to not just a powerful intimate experience but real happiness with anyone is to put them first. Don’t just put the other person first, but them enthusiastically first. Even if all you’re really here for is just a little fun, you’ll turn that random encounter into someone who puts you on the top of their mental list not just another name on their friends list they will remove two weeks later when they don’t remember you. Your dance card will be full with people that really want to be with you, not just people who are there because you’re in the right place at the right time.
Putting someone else first in here doesn’t cost much. It’s really just an attitude. It’s being patient and focusing on pleasing them and makes them want to please you more than any other one thing you can do. I asked a good friend about what makes someone we both know good and it was this attitude, and their passion. Again that sounds so obvious it can’t be news to anyone. But it is so simple we all have to remind our selves sometimes. And the more you do that the more attractive you make yourself. So remember and focus on this the next time you really want to impress someone. It’s also the basis for the whole Dom/sub relationship.
So put the other person first with real enthusiasm and be the person your friends eye scans for in their friends list and the one they go out of their way to see.
Define Real
The physical contact obviously isn’t real. So IMVU sex isn’t real but the person on the other side of the keyboard is real and our emotions are real. I’ve cried real tears and gone through a lot of tissues. And a lot of the feelings you get from sex, the endorphins that are released and so forth are the same as you would get from real sex. These things are what make you feel closer to your partner afterwards and they are as real as the emotions are.
So while it is true that the sex isn’t real any more than porn is, but the emotions are, and even “simulated” sex almost can’t help but give you a warm satisfied feeling and effect your friendship if you have one with your partner. This is especially true when someone is lonely or vulnerable. (Aren’t we all sometimes?) So it is certainly true that it’s not technically real but it does give you some of the same feelings and benefits.
This really is a whole new thing and honestly doesn’t fit into the existing definitions. I think that’s one of the reasons I think it’s so interesting to write about virtual relationships, because its so new there really isn’t a lot written about it but it is growing quickly and only going to continue to as the technology that makes this possible continues to increase and grow faster and faster.
A very special letter
I usually try not to post things just to one person but rather show the lesson behind things so it’s helpful for everyone. I’ve never written to anyone outside of Imvu before either but this seemed important to say. I don’t know when he’ll see this but I had to write to write and thank Stephanie’s new RL fiancé.
Dear Evan
I want so much to thank you. To thank you for making Stephanie so amazingly happy and for letting us share that wonderful feeling with her. You get to see people in here in a very special way from the inside out. And I’ve never met a more beautiful girl on the inside than Stephanie. She has the most amazing heart and I couldn’t possibly be more happy for you both.
We had the most special, wonderful opportunity to follow and get to know you through her, to watch and be a little bird on her shoulder, and to share all the happiness that has just poured out of her heart since she met you. We have never met but I feel like I know you and even your family more than a little, at least in an Imvu way.
We have been more than privileged to share a little bit of Stephanie’s heart and to be her secret cheerleaders. No matter what happens this will always have been one of the most special things about this crazy place and no matter what, I will be her friend till the end of days. I pray for you both and know that you are heading for truly great things.
You can’t just drop friends if you have common friends
There are easy ways in IMVU to avoid someone, essentially cutting them out of your things here. You can unfriend them, you can block them, and you can boot them from a room or ban them from your rooms. These are important tools for your protection, and there are certainly cases where this is the appropriate thing to do, especially with strangers. But if someone is or was a friend and especially when you have common friends you have to be very careful about doing this, because that doesn’t end it and usually winds up hurt and worse yet, your other friends much more than the original incident.
The worst drama situations I’ve had here all involved a friend cutting out via the steps above, another friend who they have strong common friendships with. Cutting out a stranger doesn’t hurt very much and reduces the drama and minimizes the confrontation, but cutting out a friend suddenly puts your common friends in the middle and creates way more drama than it reduces. I always say that I write this about my own mistakes so I’m going to give some real life examples, though this isn’t about them.
The two biggest drama situations I had here were when Jess got mad and cut Lexi out of our circle of friends because she was friends with Jess’ ex girlfriend. I said that was wrong and tried to show her and it wound up making me leave my best friend along with alot of the circle. The other situation was when Ash cut me out because I said my girlfriend at the time, Christi was leaving me for Ash. They just announced their engagement by the way. But in both cases the cutting out is what caused way more damage than the reason for the cut, way, way more. It wasn’t as big of a deal with Morgan because I only answered it with love, but it still puts every common friend you have with that person in the middle and makes them choose.
You’re going to see them at common places and talk to the same people. So as tempting as it is to just unfriend, block and ban them and think you’re done, that is ALWAYS the wrong way to deal with a friend. Talk to them and try to resolve the issue or you risk hurting yourself . Whether you’re right or not cutting out a friend without really trying to resolve things, creates drama for all your common friends. Even if you’re angry at that person you owe it to your common friends not to put them in the middle.
You don’t have to try to resolve it publicly or in front of your common friends. You just can’t end it by cutting them out or that will hurt the most valuable thing you have in here, your other friends. You’ll create unnecessary drama and tension with everyone, that will linger long after the incident is long forgotten. And you’ll ultimately hurt yourself most of all.
Control is an illusion
I guess it’s one more irony that in a place with more Dominant/Submissive relationships and variations of that than anywhere else in the world, you really can’t actually control anyone. It is a great feeling to be able to let go of yourself and please someone else, to put someone else’s needs above yours but it’s wrong to force that or require that if you haven’t made the other person WANT to do that.
In the end everything we do here is voluntary. You’re never more than a click away from leaving, and even blocking someone. In real life you can get trapped in a controlling relationship. But in here the only control you have over someone is what they give you. You can come to a mutual understanding about how you will react and what you will or won’t do. But you can’t force someone to do something or not do something in here. As soon as you try you have lost them.
The only way you can hold onto someone is with your love. If someone knows that you love them, they will want to do what you want. But as soon as you put controlling first and loving second, things are heading for trouble. This isn’t just for Dominant/Submissive relationships, it’s true for every imvu marriage or virtual relationship.
Remember that and make sure they always lo
Pulled in so many directions
Katy (my favorite inspiration for posts) said something just a few minutes ago in a comment about connections, “I often feel pulled in so many directions at once and feel bad for having to decline so many invites…” I’ve been feeling that a lot lately. The other possible title I thought about for this thought was, “Does Declining or Someone’s avoiding you?” The answer is NO. And if you think I’m avoiding you, the answer is almost always no. I really don’t avoid very many people. I occassionally unfriend a couple that don’t want to spend more time with. But my problem lately has definitely been not prioritizing way more than making anyone a low priority.
Part of the issue for me is that I’ve let my friends list get so big, because I figured with the website it was important to build my contacts and friends. And I’m on a lot but have trouble getting to see even the important people. I also tend to end up hanging out with the people that seek me out more than the ones I seek out. Sometimes that’s the people that invite me and sometimes it’s coming to say hi. I apologize because there are definitely a lot of great people that I don’t get time to go see.
Another thing that makes it hard is that I don’t have or use my own home base or room. Some friends make amazing rooms but I don’t ever get around to doing what I should and I end up hanging out in lots of differenot rooms. It would be easier if I stayed in one room and had all my friends in the same room at the same time. I wind up with my finger in too many different pies. Again I guess it might be better if I prioritized more and used DND a little more too. If I had one single big circle rather than so many. Alot of the people I know are individual connections which like katy said in her comment makes it harder.
I guess the lessons in this at least to reach me are, be persistant and patient, get to know some of my friends if you can, and don’t just invite me pc, come and say hello in the room I’m in. But just make sure it’s a room you fit in with first. Guys don’t follow me to lesbian rooms or theme rooms you’re not into, or a birthday party for someone you don’t know. And know that I take being invite as a compliment even if I can’t go, and don’t be offended if I can’t go, or sometimes accept even though I can’t stay and just wanted to say Hi. I’m not avoiding you.
You need both great group and individual connections.
There have been times when things have been mostly group oriented in my life on imvu. And there have been times when I’ve only had individual relationships. And while I haven’t talked to other people About this, I definitely find that the best situation is a combination.
It’s wonderful to have a group of several people that all love each other and equally awesome to have one very special person that you put above everyone else and who puts you above everyone else too. Both of these things actually compliment each other, they don’t compete.
Just like its good to have a variety of good friends I think this balance is very healthy. The difference here is that it’s easier to multi task in here than it is in real life. Actually its very bad to multitask it real life but it’s very easy and pretty normal to have a variety of connections and priorities in imvu. It’s not that it’s impossible to stay exclusive on here but it goes against the grain in imvu, where there is no down side to free sex and there are temptations and distractions lurking around every corner.
Youre usually better off acting in here the same way you would in real life in most things. But one interesting difference is how geared toward multitasking imvu can be. In life you really have to focus emotionally on a single one on one relationship or you should. It’s not just easier to have multiple priorities in Imvu but it seems as natural as have multiple friends does in real life. I think it’s also interesting how unique every relationship is even within a very homogenous group. And a group can be an example of the whole being stronger than a sum of the parts because your mutual connections reinforce your direct connections.
IMVU Marriage is an acknowledgement of Priorities and Commitments
Real life marriage is a obviously one of the most important commitments that we make in life. Being happily married irl, it definitely scared me when I first heard about IMVU weddings. I was afraid that it would hurt my real life situation. Fortunately a year later I can tell you that it doesn’t necessarily hurt and can actually help.
Imvu marriages vary more in terms of who and even how many can marry more than they do in real life. And what it means varies even more too. Most people like to picture a real life marriage level of commitment but in reality it can be almost anything you can imagine or the two of you want. To me it all boils down to making your partner your priority and some commitment level. And no matter how you treat it, I think being married in here is definitely a good thing.
In life many people have a drive (your internal clock) pushing you to marry. In here you don’t have that. There is no expectations or parents looking for grand kids or feeling like you have to get married or you’re living in sin. In fact the opposite is probably true, there are so many distractions and temptations in here it seems like some type if singles paradise. So why would anyone get married in here?
I don’t think many people getting married In here do it to make a commitment. I think they do it to acknowledge the commitment they already feel. Marriage in imvu varies in terms of openness from exclusive to wide open. But the common thing both of these extremes have is that you make the other person your priority. You get married to tell them that and show them that they are your priority. That’s when you realize another imvu secret a lot of people don’t realize. IMVU is actually much more fun as a team sport.
If you’re married in real life
If you’re married in real life, you’re probably going to behave a little differently in here but I wanted to focus on what you may have to do differently in real life. This isn’t something I’ve read but kind of what I figured out by trial and error, mostly my errors and hind sight. This is so not something you’ll find in an imvu forum or site but it’s kind of what I’m trying to do with this site.
First and foremost above everything else, be sensitive to your partners needs, even before they complain or say something. It’s not whether something is technically right or wrong but how your partner feels about it that counts. The tricky part is that it’s not just what they say that counts but how they feel. They are going to be concerned and you have to proactively counteract that which leads to the second thing.
Be extra loving and attentive so they can’t complain or even see a positive change in your attitude. If it makes you happy and you share that, it can go a long ways towards being able to stay. I realize this eats up a lot of my brownie points sometimes, so I go out of my way to do everywhere else I can to get them to make up for it.
Have some ammunition ready, something they do that you don’t like that you let slide. I wouldn’t stop him from anything, but if you can use that as an excuse to also do what you want to, it’s not a bad thing. I also admit I’ve gotten good at doing some things that he thinks take me a lot longer than they do. The plus side is that he thinks I work harder than I do sometimes, which doesn’t hurt.
I don’t hide this because I’m ashamed but I do try to minimize its visibility. I never check my messages when I’m with him and I put all the pictures in password protected folders. I also don’t let the software remember my imvu passwords. Just pick something easy to type. When he questions you, don’t hide it and just say how much you appreciate that he loves you enough to let you enjoy my game. Using the word Game helps cause that doesn’t sound like a threat and puts it terms he can understand.
We all have to make concessions and give each other enough space to have friends and have fun. And if you do it gradually and stay happy and loving to him or her, you’ll be surprised how much they can put up with. But whatever you do, be safe and smart about it, no matter how swept up you feel.
Are you ready to meet your Virtual Love in Real Life?
MTV is doing a show or special of some kind about people meeting their virtual partner in real life for the first time. We’ve all felt so close to someone that we want to meet, but it can be tricky. They often live very far away and it can be great, but it can also be less than great which can hurt a lot too. Deciding to meet in person is a very tricky thing and can certainly be very dramatic. I think it would be a compelling show and if you don’t mind a little bit of reality show type attention and wanted to meet your partner for the first time with the cameras rolling, this
My take is that this raises the stakes a little. If it goes well it will be fun to share the powerful emotion of it. But if it goes well, the pain may be slightly worse too. It may make it harder to slink away and crawl under a rock if it blows up. You also have to consider what will happen if someone in real life sees you too. It’s not like it’s American Idol and the whole world is necessarily watching but still. This isn’t for the faint of heart and you have to be really sure of your feelings and desire. But if it works it will be something you will always look back on and they will probably pick up a few of the expenses too. So in some ways you’ll probably get a free vacation and an amazing adventure out of the deal.
I kind of hear Clint Eastwood whispering in my head, “Do you feel lucky?” I don’t but someone some where probably does and it will make for a compelling show, I will definitely be able to relate to and laugh about. I will also announce it here if I know ahead of time when it’s going to air, because it would probably be interesting to watch for all my virtual friends out there. If you’re interest click the MTV logo at the top of the article for a news article about it or just send an email to onlinerelationships@rrstaff.com
Sing a Song, Say a Prayer or a Poem
This place can be very powerful and create amazing connections. Most of the people reading this have probably felt that I’m sure. But you might not have tried some of these things.
There is something amazingly powerful about these things and the strong emotions that they create. Virtual Relationships are built on shared emotions and these things all create strong emotions aka. build strong relationships.
The other day I was on imvu with my cell phone, talking to someone I barely know who was really down and had a problem in real life. I don’t know why but I asked to pray with her. I’m driving and texting a prayer to her and soon crying. There is something very powerful about praying with someone. I’ve done it live and in messages.
When you are lying in the meadow kissing and cuddling there is nothing more powerful than singing the words of a love song to your partner, as it plays. You share that emotion of the song really feeling the words as you’re lying together.
And even if you have to get a little help from the Internet a poem either typed line by line as you chat or in a message to keep that loving feeling going the next day is so special. Saying it with a poem, a prayer or a song will have a lot of emotion. Relationships are built on shared emotions and these things all convey a lot of powerful emotions.
The human soul longs to be connected
If a computer is much more powerful when it’s connected to other computers and the brain is a computer, is it any surprise that people feel better the more connected to other people they are?
I see that so clearly in my 14 year old daughter that sleeps with her cell phone and myself in here. It’s kind of strange but whether it’s messages in my inbox here, yahoo messenger or comments on the website the more I communicate the better I feel and the more I want to communicate.
Imvu is just one more way you can connect with people. The surprising thing to me is how powerful the emotional connection can be. Another surprising thing is how it literally gets easier and to let your walls down, then of course how addicting it becomes.
You don’t want the drama from here in real life.
IMVU can be crazy, there’s no doubt about that. And as much as you might want real life, you have to be careful because if the craziness of this place spills over into your real life it can be very difficult to say the least. The emotions in here are so strong, love so free flowing, and the soap opera ness of it almost can’t be helped at times. The emotions are real but there’s a reason why real life is the way it is and why this place is the way it is too. Being the way you are in real life here isn’t easy and being the way you are here in real life will cause problems too.
Nobody looks down on anyone in here. In fact it’s quite the opposite. Your friends here are real people too and they love you and know you are a great cherished real person too. Don’t take the loving feeling we share here to be anything wrong or hurtful, it’s not at all. Remember that you can always take a break or leave and come back after a while. Hold on and put off any major decision until you’re not in the middle of the emotion but don’t be afraid to step back from the emotion.
How to handle IMVU Drama
We’re all people and as much as we try to share such good times and love with friends there will still be issues sometimes. We’re humans and unfortunately we can’t let people in with good emotions and not have bad emotions sometimes too. The good side here about feelings growing so quickly and feeling so wonderful can also go bad even faster sometimes and hurt even more than real life. We don’t have body language or other real life cues like you would in real life. So it can be easier to take something the wrong way. We also tend to fill in the gaps with positive things most of the time, but sometimes we imagine something to be worse than it is too.
Sometimes even a small little thing can be taken the wrong way and cause hurt feelings. And if you don’t address that properly you can hurt yourself and a lot of people for no reason. The first thing to do if someone hurts you is to walk away and don’t dwell on it. Don’t send messages about it or talk to other people and do NOT pulse about it. You may think telling other people will help but it may cause more damage than the original comment, both to you and to your friends. Sleep and or give it some time and then look at it with fresh eyes. Late at night it’s easy to keep going on about something but that’s the wrong thing to do.
The first thing to do is at least try to calmly talk to the person just you and them. A lot of things that seem like major issues can be resolved with communication. Give them the benefit of the doubt and at least try to talk it out. This place is built on and fosters communication but it also requires more communication to function than real life too. If that doesn’t work and you have no common friends you can just walk away very easily here. But if you have common friends you can NOT act like it’s just you and the other person or you will hurt and upset a lot of other people that you care about, which can be worse than the original incident.
Making the most Amazing Friends
Just like the way a blind persons other senses become even more sensitive to make up for it, in IMVU you can’t see the physical and there is no little things to get in the way, so you get better at sensing the non physical. I call this IMVU vision. It’s almost impossible for someone who hasn’t been here for a while and experienced it to understand I know.
You can’t see with your eyes so you have to learn to feel with your heart. I think that’s why we sometimes feel such a powerful deep connection and I even say this place proves there is a soul. These pretty pixels and words can get pretty powerful, to the point that I feel closer to friends in here than I do in real life.
I say than “friends” in real life because I kind if feel like the friendships are more real in a sense than the love, in here. Don’t get me wrong I do love the love too, which sounds funny to say. But it’s loving friends in here that is my favorite part. I’d say the best thing I’ve learned in here is to love with all my heart. And I honestly couldn’t put just one person’s pictures up for this one so I picked a couple (not all!) of the IMVU girls who I feel so strongly connected right into my heart. You’ll find your own people and understand when it happens to you.
Don’t quit just make a fresh start.
We’ve all made mistakes and felt like leaving once in a while. Even if it wasn’t your mistake, it could just be the people you were around. The biggest factor in how much fun you have here is definitely the people around you.
The good news is that you can change the people around you much more easily here than in anything else. I have to tell you it feels very painful walking away from people. It’s hard but once you do it you’ll be surprised how quickly you can bounce back too.
Unfriend them and remove the rooms from your favorites and walk away. You can always add a few of back later on, but you have to walk away to heal. In some cases you may have to block one or two people and maybe even change your name. Both of these things are very easy to do though.
Then go to the gym and workout to clear hour head. Get a good nights sleep and you’ll be surprised how good you feel the next day and how easy it is to make some new friends. Everyone deserves a second or third chance and we all make mistakes and have to move on sometimes.
Life Happens
We miss you and Love and support you
We’ve all been through times of change and disruption in in our lives when things just got crazy (in our real life) and our virtual life suffered. I think this falls into the category of “Life Happens.”. This is exaggerated by the way time passes in here and a month can seem like almost a year in here.
So it may seem like a long time in here but also realize that it’s during these challenges that true friends prove themselves and true love shines. So when when you see someone going through these tough situations embrace and support them and you will have a bond that nothing can break.
I wrote this for and in response to the post missing Kim who moved across the country and started a new job. Let’s see are there any other things we can change at one time?!! But it honestly hits a little close to home with my Holly too who is obviously going through things too. So I say this with a lot of tears in both directions, saying to everyone as much as to myself, to hang in there and know that love will overcome.
Being the Right Person
My IMVU sister, Gabby has had a tagline for a while that I really like. “A relationship is more than finding the right person…. its being the right person” I think that’s especially true in IMVU where you have the ability to be almost anyone you want. If you always wanted to be more assertive, all you have to do here is be more assertive. You can literally be anything you want. That is very empowering and therapeutic in a sense.
In real life you don’t get very many chances to totally remake your personality. In here you get to do that every day. So keep it real (which Gabby is the best at!), because making this feel real is important being human and down to earth is attractive too, but if there’s a trait or quality you wished you had more of in real life, make it yours. Be the real you that you always wanted to be! That’s part of the fun of IMVU. And no this isn’t just an excuse to say I love Gabby, but I do. ;-)
Avoid Drama from Pulse
Don’t get caught up in drama from Pulse. Pulse is ok but it’s easy to get caught up in drama there. There are enough issues flying around here to corrupt a convent full of nuns. Sonya suggested that you know the reason why you’re here and avoid all the drama and crap in here. Keep it fun don’t get distracted. By the way SonyaPinks is an amazing Mesher especially if you like Rave outfits.
Friends don’t hurt their Friend’s Relationships!
Making friends and sharing with them is one of the best parts of IMVU. But your relationships are the most important things in here, and the worst things you can do to anyone in here, is hurt their relationships. So you would think it wouldn’t be necessary to even say this. Unfortunately though it does happen. I had to walk away from someone I thought was a friend that hurt my relationship with someone I loved. She flipped out and attacked me like I was her mortal enemy for even mentioning what she was doing in private.
Unfortunately this seems to be a pattern too, as she seems to be doing it to several of her friends. It’s one thing to have some intimacy with your friends, but it’s something else to demand that to the point of getting between them and their partner. She would freak out if anyone did to her what she’s doing to her friends. Having sex with your friends can be really great and very powerful, but the friendship shouldn’t be based on or require sex, at least not for a girl. It’s always wrong to even go anywhere near hurting your friend’s relationships. Unfortunately when someone is wrong they tend to attack the messenger, so I’m sure in for it, but in a twisted way that proves the point.
Families come in all shapes and sizes
I am almost always at my limit of 100 rooms in my favorites, but sometimes I like to pick the weirdest or scariest room I can find and just explore and see what they do or what it’s like. It’s fun to dress appropriately and role play and see where it goes. The fun is that you never know what you’re walking into. I walked into a room recently called the empire of the blade and it was one of the most fearsome demon filled rooms.
It’s fun to do things that are outside of your comfort zone though, and I was actually quite impressed with the family orientation of the group. Sure they like to eat small animals, but they were a very nice group of people. And when I asked them what advice they’d give someone new in here, I got equally family oriented advice, that boiled down to “Find a good family you trust, and then don’t cross them.”
I think I also recognized a pattern. The more extreme a group is, the more family oriented they tend to be. There are definitely a lot of extremes in here but it’s very interesting to see that even demons can be so family oriented.
The most rewarding thing on Imvu
I have only been here 1 year and two days and it’s been fun in so many ways I can hardly begin to say. There are a lot of great things about it but by far the most personally rewarding thing I’ve done in IMVU is to introduce two people that I love who get married.
I say this because it sounds a little odd even for imvuv to say I have a new girl friend and then say a week later she’s getting married to another friend. But that’s what happened and it’s wonderful.
Thats why I’m so fantastically excited to announce the engagement of TamaraTaste and AllysonBlackRose. I couldn’t possibly be any more excited or happy for them or love them both any more.
Virtual Marriages on IMVU?!
Virtual marriage is a crazy concept to anyone new here. Being married in real life, I was probably more afraid of it than anyone. I made one of my rules that I can’t possibly do that. In some ways it sounds silly in such a free crazy place to want to make that type of commitment. Don’t worry we all think that. Just have a good time and play it by ear.
Just don’t be surprised if you wake up one morning and realize that is the only way to describe what you feel. About the time you realize what’s happened, you’ll also realize that it’s really not making a commitment, so much as acknowledging how you feel and the commitment you already have. That’s how this place sneaks up on you. That’s when you’ll turn around and realize how beautiful it is and that you suddenly want to do this very badly for your partner. And honestly it doesn’t have to take away any of the emotion from your real life marriage or relationships if you keep the worlds separate.
Remember, you can’t see the connections people have
MacePoena had a gave me a good tip. She and her twin have a special connection. that people often don’t realize. So when you walk into a room or see someone come in, just realize that there is often more there than meets the eye. You can’t tell whether the person you just said hello to is married to the other person or even people in the room and how connected people are. You also don’t know what issues they’re dealing with.
There are a lot of levels of conversations and connections in a busy room. The people there may have very deep history and connections with each other and they may also have sore spots you don’t see. So proceed with care and realize that the pixels are fake but the people and relationships behind the pixels are real and aren’t usually as simple as they appear on the surface. Honestly this is an area where sometimes I have to improve personally. I talk a lot and I guess that increases the odds that you’ll screw up.
